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21st November 2014

Over the past few weeks I have been feeling really down I wish I knew why, maybe it's because it's getting near Christmas again, maybe it's because of the loneliness every day, maybe it's because of the way I've been so let down by my care worker and the system that supposed to look after people with my illnesses. I really wish I could get over these feelings, I really wish I could 'get over it,' I really wish I could forget about all that shit and get on with my life, but I don't seem to be able to do so, why can't I just put everything behind me? Why can't I find a little nook inside my feelings and hide all this shit I go through every day and get on with my life? I hate myself so much now, maybe hate is a strong word but it is the way I feel.

A little while ago I joined a group on Facebook that I was hoping would help me, I even went as far as making a forum for them, but I felt all I got was being ignored, the forum wasn't hardly used, in fact I was the only person that posted there, I was ignored again, so I lost it, I closed the forum, I un friended the people that had agreed that the forum should go ahead, (the owners of the group on Facebook) I even shut my FB account down, I felt so sick all day afterwards. How can people treat people so badly? They said they were there to help people, to make sure that the people that run the mental health service make things better, I did not see anything of that while I was there, I did keep a little secret from them though, that I was elected as a governor of the shadow council for mental health services in south west London, I gave it up as I thought it was going to get too much for me to handle but I am ready now to go back into it. They said I could reapply so I will do at the next election.