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23 April 2015

Recently, I have been having some real issues. I feel like a total useless idiotic waste of space. When I try to do things, I am total unable to do things and I get so damn angry with myself. I didn't realise having a stroke would make things so difficult for me. 
I haven't worked for eight years now, I need a walking stick to walk anywhere. I still suffer with my complex post traumatic stress, sometimes real bad, but I am a lot better than I was.


8th April 2015

I haven't written here for a while due to having a lot of issues to deal with. Yet again I have been kicked in the teeth by my so-called brother, yes,it was partly my fault, I flew off on one at him because he threatened to kill my sister's horse. He brought it for her and she still owes some money for it but that doesn't give him the right to threaten her. Then while we, my brother and I, were going at each other, she sneakily goes behind my back and makes things up with him. So I apologized  to him and to his fiance, everything was okay, then I get a text saying not to contact him anymore, Jeez, that was something I wasn't expecting. For days after I didn't know whether I was up or down, I wanted so much to end everything, stupid I know, but I helped that brother of mine through so much shit when he was a kid, everyone else turned their backs on him, but not me.

This week I have been alone, the wife and my youngest daughter have gone to Las Palma. I know she deserves a break, she has put up with a lot of crap since I've become ill but I don't remember her ever discussing with me about going, she says she did and my memory is getting worse each week.
One of these days I can see myself forgetting who she is, this is scary for me.
Everything seems to be piling up against me again, will I get through it? I hope so.