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21st January 2016

        Another year has started and has anything changed? No, nothing has changed. I was going to write here at the beginning of the year, around the first, but circumstances forbade it. 
        I have wondered why so many people associate complex post traumatic stress disorder with the military, even ordinary post traumatic stress disorder, which I can understand. The Americans seem to have taken over this area of illness, as usual. There is so much help online for PTSD, and the help is always pointed towards the military, but, I suffer with the rarer CPTSD, not many people understand this side and the reasons that I suffer with it
        I was beaten every day with fists, belts, boots, a walking stick and many other weapons, whatever he had to hand at the time. I was sexually abused, I was verbally abused and mentally abused nearly every day. 
       There was a christmas where I was given a scalextric set, it was a magnificent layout, I was over the moon, I possessed it for exactly three weeks, then he sold it so he could get a drink.
       I caught him in bed with my girlfriend, she was twelve, so was I, he was forty. I have been putting 'he' and that is for my father, the person that is supposed to protect and nurture a son. I hated him so much when he was alive and I still hate him. He stabbed me and tried to kill me several times. 
      My mother told me that I was the result of him raping my her. A few years back when my mother died, after an operation went wrong, I got texts calling me a murderer. I had spent two years pushing my mother into having a heart bypass, because she suffered from angina. I found out not too long ago it was one of my sisters that sent those texts.
       So CPTSD & PTSD isn't only felt by the military, although I have the greatest respect for all the guys that risk their lives every day, whichever country they come from. It can affect anyone, for whatever reason, those people that do suffer, I just wish that the people around understood the the way I felt and realised that I am suffering every day.