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21st July 2014

Today, I got a text from my daughter informing me that it is my grand daughters' leaving assembly, I started to cry. I have let her down yet again. A few days ago my grand daughters' school put on their production of Willy wonka's chocolate factory, she texted me a couple of days before, saying, she wanted for me to go so much, I had to say no, I had to let her down, I couldn't face the fact of so many people being around me. Then there was the school sports day, I couldn't go to that either, now, her leaving assembly! I am a useless bastard, all I do all day is sit on my arse on my computer, or doing fuck all, why don't I just put an end to it, I am no good to anyone, at least I'd be out of the way of everyone.
I have so far sent three emails to my care worker, no replies, when I phoned, he was away for a few days, he didn't even tell me, I was talking to my doctor on Friday, he said he would contact him, still nothing. 
I'm not sleeping properly, I am exhausted, I want so much to end things right now, I don't care who knows it either, the nightmares have returned when I do grab a couple of hours, the flashbacks are getting strong again, how much more can I take? Not a lot more ...............


Jana Mashonee - The Enlightened Time

17th July 2014

I am getting so pissed off today, alone again, I hate being alone, so much fucks with my head, I have increased my medication, with permission of course, I am so tired all day and can't sleep nights, 
I have just written a letter to my care worker, now I find the keys missing to my filing cabinet, I have hurt my arm pulling the damn thing out, feel like smashing it to bits, why do I keep feeling so angry then after a few minutes I am jumping around, what's wrong with me? Am I finally ending up cracking? I've had one breakdown am I heading for another? I would like to know, I'm sweating like a pig and so thirsty all the time, I am giving up I've had enough of everything and everybody. 

Maybe things will change ...


Monday 7th July

I've had a reasonable weekend, which makes a nice change. My grandchildren came visiting and they always make me feel so much better. 
I went to see my GP on Friday, I keep getting these mood swings, I asked my GP to increase my venlafaxine, which he did for two weeks, hopefully it calms me down and I might get these moods I keep having under control
I do have a problem however. I keep getting these pains in my head, mainly on the right side, just above my ear. I get this tingling sensation as well, it's goes right around my head in the upper part of my head, it feels weird. It has been going on now for a few weeks, about ten to twelve weeks, it seems to be getting a little worse, but not so bad that it's causing any real problems .... Yet.
Yesterday (Sunday) I had to lie down for a while because I had a blinder of a headache, but after a couple of hours sleep it had gone, maybe because I had only two hours sleep and was up at 3:45am. 
Today I dozed off in my chair, only for a few minutes, I felt like someone was bending over me, imagination? my mind playing tricks on me? I don't know, maybe it could have been a new flashback, I used to hate people leaning over me because I felt threatened.
Anyway it's nearly midnight and I got to go make a cuppa, maybe a bit of toast too.

I will be back soon......


3rd July 2014

Today is the 1st July, from here on in it's downhill for another year.This month is the anniversary of my so-called father's death. I can't remember the exact date, but who gives a shit anyway? I don't. 
I have had a few really bad days, a real throbbing headache for three days, but it's finally gone this afternoon. The weekend. I seem to be getting angry so easily just lately, not with anybody, just with things happening around me. It's hard to explain why, it's just when something goes wrong, which doesn't normally bother me, I start to feel annoyed with it or myself.
My memory seems to be getting worse as well, why should it get worse? It's been around 18 months since my stroke, I guess the lovely Dr Cheong was right, it can only deteriorate with time because of the damage done by the stroke.
Things have been really tight lately financially, with so many bills to pay along with the rent and council tax, when I think about it there are so many things these days with tax on it, makes you wonder what's next for the tax man? And yet we just sit back and say nothing as a people, along with everything else in this god awful country of ours.
I sit here on this computer nearly every day, I read about people and their problems, I play games and I wish more than once each and every day that I could just get back to normal, so I could get back to work and get my license back.
But I guess that'll never happen.


The above post was written on the 1st July but was too tired to carry on. Today is the 3rd July and I feel like just getting up and leaving, disappear forever, but I can't, reason? Because I care. Am I too soft? Yes I guess I am.
Yesterday I had to go to the podiatrist for my three monthly check up. a couple of days before I asked my wife to come with me, she said yes as she had nothing to do. Like so many times before she let me down. Like so many times before I had to go somewhere by myself. It might not seem like a big deal to anyone, but when you aren't well and you are really trying to live a normal life as much as possible IT IS A BIG DEAL and guess what? She denied saying that she would come with me as usual, that is what hurts, she does it every time, maybe it's embarrassment being seen with me, or maybe she just doesn't give a damn at all.
I sent her a text last night, I also sent one to my youngest daughter, that's where my wife went, saying that from now on, I only speak when I am spoken to, I only do anything when asked, so there is no more misunderstandings, I was going to put lies but that would have been so wrong.
I got up this morning at 4:30am why? I don't really know why, I guess the thoughts about leaving, ending things and getting one of my scalpels and slicing up myself are getting too strong again. 
My care worker didn't tell let me know he was away till today, I found out yesterday because I got angry and phoned him, I got his answerphone, informing that he was away, I have sent him a couple of emails which haven't been answered, telling him that I wasn't happy about the way I was treated at our last meeting. I thought he was ignoring me, guess that didn't help. 
Some people just don't understand these feelings I'm having, saying after six years I should be better, treating me like I am better, saying things like, 'I shouldn't live in the past' and 'I should man up and get over it' I really wish I could just 'man up' as they put it, and be 'normal' again, from the bottom of my heart, I really do. But it ain't that easy.
I got an appointment with my GP on Friday 4th July, I am losing it again, why? I wish I knew.