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24th January 2015

Today I had to go for a hospital appointment for a hearing test, it turns out that the nerves are damaged and I only have 50% hearing, all thanks to working at Heathrow airport, air-side with the planes, I was alongside the planes as they came to park on their aprons.
Anyway I have been told tonight by the wife that she don't give a shit about me, we've been together for 32 years this coming April. She also tells me that, once again my PTSD, depression, anxiety, my stroke and my deafness is all put on, she can't get over the fact that I get more money than her, her words, ' you sit on your arse all day' but  she forgets the fact that I pay the rent and council tax out of my disability living allowance, and my employment support allowance, which leaves me just enough money to pay my bills, I don't have a penny for myself.
I sit here in clothes that are fit for the bin,and don't even get a hand to do anything. I cut myself tonight, blood flowed onto the carpet, and all she done was sit there watching television, I said 'anyone decent would offer to help me,' she goes into one on me.
My eldest daughter hasn't spoke to me for over a year now and that's my fault as well, In April she is arranging a holiday in Spain, with my two daughters and two other girls, she never asked if I would mind her doing this, or if I would mind being left alone for a week.  
I might as well give into my feelings again and try to end things while she's away. No-one gives a shit how I feel or how I am, so that's it my so-called family has finally given me that final push. I just have to make my own plans now.     


21st January 2015

It's almost a year that my eldest daughter gave up talking to me, she reckoned it was because she stood up to me, which is utter bullshit, she said that I called her an unfit mother, which I didn't, I tried to help her and she misunderstood what I was trying to say and do. Do I give a shit that she isn't talking to me? Nope, I don't, I ain't got long to last anyway, so I am just getting on with my life, what there is of it, what with this PTSD and the god damn pain in my legs and feet and of course the after effects of my stroke. 
I was talking to my wife last night about moving, the stairs are just getting too much, maybe that is a major factor of me not going out and making me agoraphobic, which, as far as I am concerned makes a lot of sense. We were talking about down sizing, where did that word come from? It used to be 'moving to a smaller place', also on the ground floor, which would be great, only problem being we would have to sell so much stuff, the money would be nice, I guess.
Talking of strange words these days, it really bugs me when people use such things, like 'sick' it now means 'good or cool' where did that come from? Sick means that someone is ill, doesn't it? 
When I was on the buses a black guy got on with no money and said that I was 'dis' ing him, what? where did that one come from? It took me me ages to find out that he meant 'disrespecting him,' jeez, as if having to put up with all this metric crap isn't enough, we have to put up with a load of 'yankisms' as well.
Am I the only one that realizes that what ever America starts, this country has to do also? words, graffiti and not forgetting all these stupid finger signs, I must be getting old, I'm 58 in March, two years off being 60, oh my God, what a horrible thought, trouble is, inside, I still feel 21, oh how I wish. 
Then there is these attacks by radical Muslims, has it changed anyone else's view of these people? It certainly has changed mine, I have to say I don't trust any of them, every one of them read the Koran, so when they all start piping off that don't like what the radicals are doing, I just stick my fingers up to them, I have seen that these so-called peace loving Muslims are just all liars and full of bullshit. go to Luton, you will find there loads of Muslims who, protest and call our army guys scum and such, also they call our police the same, it won't be long before the guns and bombs start going off here in our own country, saying that, is it our country? I don't know anymore, I guess we got used to the IRA so I guess we'll have to get used to these arseholes as well.



16th January 2015

I was thinking about my life today as I sat alone playing a game here on my computer. Just recently, in fact the last few days, things have started to go downhill again, why? I wish I knew. Things haven't really been too bad over the Christmas period, it was quiet, yes, we never went out and the only drink I had was a fosters lager or as I call it, gnats piss.
I woke up this morning really angry, because I was still alive. I had dreamt that I was dead, I've had those damn nightmares again recently, the flashbacks have not happened for a while but I guess they'll start soon though. I phoned the hospital to try and make an appointment at the beginning of the week and I am still waiting for a call back. 
The thoughts of suicide carry on haunting me, I can hear my father laughing at me as I fight these, one day I'm going to just give up. Strange thing is my feelings are up and down like a frigging yo-yo.
I wish I could go through that front door, just to go for a walk, but I am finding so hard to do that again, I guess the agoraphobia is taking over, I need help before things get too bad again, so bad that I do give up completely.



8th January 2015

Another year has arrived, another year of crap and pain. I have been in so much pain the last few weeks with my legs and feet, oh well shit happens. The last few weeks I just cannot get the thought of death out of my head, I think about it all the time, ways I could do it to myself, like jumping off a bridge onto the A3, which runs near my home, get on the M25 and drive at high speed then drive off the road, I'd have to get a car first though as I no longer have a license, an overdose seems a good option, but have I got the nerve to do any of these? I know if I do anything I will upset a lot of people. I've finally got most of my family back, all but three of my brothers two of which I haven't seen for so long, then there's the youngest one, he hates me so much, I let him down so much so I do understand his feelings for me.
As for my PTSD, depression and anxiety, I have tried so hard to get through it now without any help from the hospital. I tried to phone there the other evening because I realize I do need help, I have tried so much to ignore my feelings that have been going through me, why am I feeling so bad all the time? I wish I knew.
Some good news for a change, one of my brothers is getting married next year to the most wonderful lady I have had the pleasure of getting to know, only trouble is that she is so stubborn, which is a good thing sometimes, but, I can't talk there, I am just as bad as her at times.