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21st February 2015

Went to hospital yesterday for a check up, it's been a while since my last one. I must have looked a right mess, I hadn't shaved for a week, my hair was greasy, horrible, but, life gets like that for me sometimes, I just can't be bothered to look after myself, that's the depression and the PTSD kicking my butt. The check up itself lasted an hour, Dr Earl was really good, he sat and listened to me and no-one else was there interrupting, which made a real nice change. We talked about what I had been going through, I told him of all the crap that had been going on, the nightmares and flashbacks that have started over again, the bad thoughts of suicide which are getting stronger each day, but I am fighting them and I am determined not to give in to them, reason? I got too many people who'd I'd let down if I did.
I have a lady  coming round on Tuesday from occupational therapy to sort out things to see if I can qualify for a proper shower, I haven't had a bath or shower for four months, I just can't get into the bath, I can't lift my left leg high enough after my stroke. Occupational therapy took away the bath seat I used last November, seemed fine at the time, but hey ho.

I have, at last, sorted out the problems with my eldest daughter. It turns out I was in the wrong it seems, sometimes I just can't seem to listen right, I get uptight and my tinnitus goes sky high and I just don't hear things properly, anyway, I have sorted it out and everything is good. As is the problem with my youngest daughter also, I love them both and it brought me round when my youngest shouted at me, I guess it was what I needed.

It's getting quite late so till next time, 


11th February 2015

I have no real reason to carry on now, but I am going to try and keep going. It's been over a year since my eldest daughter spoke to me, I have had no contact whatsoever with her, except for a sarcastic text, reason? She accused me of accusing her of being an unfit mother after I proved she lied to me. Now my youngest daughter has decided that she is no longer going to be talking to me and I am not going to see my grandchildren anymore after I tried to joke around with her, she flew off in a huge temper tantrum at me, I really don't know why. She swore at me, and as she walked out the front door she told me to f*** off. I really don't know what I done wrong. She was shouting at me saying everything was about me, I really don't don't know why. This has really upset me so much today.
Both of my daughters and my wife, I feel, think that my PTSD along with everything else is better now, why? Because I am not so bad now. my wife, on many occasions has accused me of putting things on, I really am not putting stuff on, she's even accused me of putting my stroke on, ridiculous, how can I put the symptoms of a stroke on? Why are my family treating me like this? I really would like to know.
I was looking at tents and sleeping bags earlier, thinking of leaving home and going on the road, I've done it before when I was young, I am sure I could do it again, even though I only have one fully functioning arm and leg, it would be better than being around people, any people at the moment, I want to be alone, I don't want to be near anyone.
I will stay at home for now as I have an appointment with my doctor at the hospital on the 20th February. Then in the first week of April, my wife and youngest daughter have decided to go on holiday in Palma for a week, I wasn't asked about it, I was just told about it and told I wouldn't be able to go anyway because of the problems with my legs and feet, I guess I will just have to believe that.
I didn't get much sleep last night, so much going in my head, everything seems to want me to head in one direction, but, for now, that isn't going to happen, but I don't know for how long, maybe it's the right direction but at a later date.




2nd February 2015

February already. As I get older it seems the months go quicker, it's my birthday next month and I'll be 58 years old. Jeez I am so old, I'll soon be 60, what a horrible thought?  
I've been given even more tablets to take to try and do something with this swelling of my feet and legs, I woke up yesterday in so much pain, it was almost impossible to bear, the veins in my calf on my right leg were pushing out just below the knee joint, then after taking the meds and getting up to go downstairs, the veins reduced but the pain persisted nearly all day.

The past few weeks have been hell for me personally, back to the bad nights, the nightmares are back with a vengeance, the thoughts of suicide are back, but, I can fight those mostly, I just think of my family, that helps a lot, especially my little 'guardian angel,' my eldest grand daughter, I just focus on her and her smiley face, it works every time , well almost.
I did get fed up with my wife a little while ago, she has said so many times that I should have got better by now, I just wish it was that easy, it's not like a broken leg, you break it, you get it fixed, you wait a few weeks and it's all better.

I have started doing my ship again, though I am finding it difficult as I still have weakness in my left hand and arm, but it's a distraction and I really do need that distraction big time right now.