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23rd November 2015

I watched a tv program called hollyoaks yesterday, for those that don't know it, it is a well known soap series here in the UK. It has had a story line about sexual abuse for the last few weeks and it has been well acted, I do have to say, but yesterday, it all came to a head when the pervert was revealed. I watched most of it, but, as it progressed I started to get upset. As I was a victim of sexual abuse as a child by my 'father.' I went into one of my 'time loss phases' this is where I blank everything out, It's like I am on 'auto-pilot' I do and say stuff like normal but have no recollection of what I do or say, I've told my doctors about this and they say it's all part of my cptsd, it's a scary part of it I must admit. I finally came out of this 'time loss phase' and found myself in the kitchen with a carving knife in my hand against my throat and tears streaming down my face.

 It's good to have a blog to write because you can write whatever you like, I hate this part of my life, where sometimes I am fine and yet an hour later I just cannot do anything because I just cannot be bothered. Like what happened yesterday. The missus asked what was wrong, I told her, she replied, "well, you were alright a minute ago," yeah, that is all it takes, a minute, one little trigger to change a person from being happy, to having tears streaming down his face. Yet she don't understand this, I have been like it for years and she just can't see it, or she can and don't give a damn, which is more like it.
I have found out that no-one really understands cptsd so why can't these professional counsellors bring together people like me and actually talk to us, instead of being so cold hearted when we do go and see them? All I ever get from my psychiatrist is question after question after question, and he is a consultant psychiatrist, which, as far as I know, is the best you can get. 
I said to him months ago that I would like to talk about the times I was sexually abused, I have never spoke to anyone about it. I tried a couple of years ago with CBT, but it contributed to my stroke, my blood pressure flew through the roof, my heart rate reached 200 beats a minute in hospital, how the hell did I survive?

 I have received a few threats on Facebook lately, I really don't give a damn about them, two were saying that they were going to do me in, I say bring it on, I won't even defend myself, I would just love whoever it is to carry their threat out, I am not joking either, it would let me rest and get away from this pain I am in every day. It has to be someone I know though because they said they knew that I was disabled and called me a cripple, nice one :) I love it when people are just cowards and can't say anything to my face, I have always told people to their faces what I think, even when they don't like what I have to say. That brings me on to another threat I received on Facebook. It was from my missus step brother. I had a go at his mum, she leaves my missus's father, who has had two triple bypasses and cannot straighten his arms out because he is riddled with rheumatism, he can hardly walk either. Anyway she is supposed to be his carer and look after him but she goes to Australia and leaves the poor old sod on his own for a week or two at a time. I know how it feels to be left alone every day but, a week or two must be awful. Her lovely mummy's boy son, had a go by sending me a message on Facebook, another coward, but this one is still tied to his mummy's apron strings and lives at home ;) I say to him "bring it on mummy's boy"

Anyway TTFN

Take care and stay safe     

They're Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa! Napoleon XIV

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16th November 2015

Well, silence is golden, as the song goes. I have realised that my life is just a waste of time. I  have wasted 33 years of my life staying with a women that so obviously doesn't give a shit about about me. Yes, she occasionally she looks after me since my strokes but, I have a feeling that she thinks of this as a chore that she feels that she has to do as I pay for things she needs and as a necessarily need for being with me for so long.

I want to end things, including my life, but I haven't got the guts anymore. Maybe that what a coward feels like when he/she cannot do stuff because he or she is so scared of the consequences. That is what I feel like. I have everything I need to end my life, but I am too scared, reason? Because last time I tried, it scared the crap out of me. The hallucinations were horrendous while I was in the ambulance going to hospital. I did die at some point, but, the hospital staff brought me back, I have to add there is no big bright light or angels flying around. I've always said there is nothing out there and that proved me right. 

I have always said also there is no such thing as a God. I have been proven right there as well. Just goes to show show that all these people that believe in a greater existence are just a big bunch of gullible idiots that have had things drilled into their heads from their childhood and they know no different and it's just a money spinning scam.

I might as well just keep going in this awful existence that I live, if you can call it living, until such time that my body just gives up and I go to sleep forever. If I help myself along the way then that is up to me. My doctors are great and I can talk to them, which helps a lot Last time I saw Dr Edwards I broke down in tears, he was his caring self as usual, but words are just words and I have given up on contributing my vocalization on everything from now on.



10th November 2015

I often wonder about people that suffer with complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). Googling has amazed me that, although there are a lot of groups and different organisations helping with post traumatic stress (PTSD). There are few dealing dealing with CPTSD. The word PTSD has mainly been associated with the military, especially in the USA. 
CPTSD, although less known, is worse than PTSD, I have suffered with CPTSD all my life, although I wasn't actually diagnosed properly until 2010. 
There are many more symptoms to CPTSD over PTSD, I am 58 now and I am still suffering from nightmares and flashbacks, although not as frequent as they used to be because of the medications I am on, I hate tablets but it's a matter of what I'd rather have, mainly peace and quiet from all the symptoms or end up back in hospital, so I know which I prefer.
I just wish I was medically trained in a way to help people properly with CPTSD. I have looked into doing some courses into the mental health area and I have actually started doing a degree with a Phd, but half way through, I realised, I am just too old now to actually do anything like that now.

Recently I have been put on a painkiller called Dihydrocodeine, along with my co-dydramol, are killing the pain in my legs and feet and at last I can almost walk properly, although I still have my limp from the stroke. 
I am getting well annoyed with myself lately because of a twitch in my left arm, it seems to have a life of it's own at times.
The memory is slowly getting worse, I looked at my t-shirt this morning and wondered what it was, after a few minutes, it came to me, but then I wondered how I put it on, jeez.

Christmas isn't far away now, I am going to try harder this year, one not to be such a grump and two, to try and enjoy myself. 
I have had the strangest feeling for the last few weeks that I haven't got long before I kick the bucket and end up six feet under, maybe it's wishful thinking sometimes, or it's because of all the crazy thoughts of suicide that has been going through my head lately.

Back to the painkillers, these new one I have are very addictive and the other ones are addictive as well, so I am only taking them when needed, unlike what the label says. I don't want to go down the road of addiction, so easy to do, especially when I am on one of my dark days, which happens more that good days.

Stay safe


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