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27th August 2015

This week I have been alone again. The missus has gone to our daughters' again up north, my suggestion for a change and I have only texted her if she texts me first. Gives her a break from me, I know I can be hard work, what with one thing and another. 
Loneliness is a nasty thing to cope with, the worst kind of loneliness is when you're with people and yet you still feel lonely. I wonder how many people actually have felt this? 
My other daughter came round yesterday and cooked me some dinner, it was nice to see her and my grandchildren but she told me that the worse thing about me is, that I do go on and on about things, I guess I do at times, but, I do not know I am doing it. Maybe she should stay away from me if it bothers' her so much, or I stay away from her. 
I went to the hospital a couple of days ago and saw my old care worker. I asked if it was possible to have him back as my care worker, he said he'll ask but doubts it so much now, what with cuts and changes in procedure. I have felt like my life is just getting too much for me to bare again. The pain is unbearable in my legs and feet. Last night I took a couple of pictures of them, they looked awful and all I get from the doctors' is pills and pills and even more pills and yet nothing works for the pain and nothing works for the swelling either. I want to get a knife and cut the fuckers off, yeah, it'll hurt, but, at least it'll stop after a few weeks, my legs and feet have been like this since 2012, when I had my stroke.
I've just about had enough of everything again.



17th August 2015

I have just noticed my blog is getting to once a month now, I don't know how this has happened, maybe it's because I haven't been feeling too good this past month.I keep meaning to make a doctors appointment, but, I just hate using the phone to make calls, part of my life I guess.
Just recently, I have been bursting out crying for no reason, it is so annoying as well, life is such shit when things like that happen. My damn feet are still bloody painful; strange thing is though, a hole appeared on my left shin and this clear fluid started to leak out, I was a little concerned, the missus kept on about going to the doctor as usual, she means well and I love her to bits, but sometimes I just wish she'd shut up.
I have also been falling asleep during the day,I don't know I've even fallen asleep until I wake up, quite funny really, well I think it is.
I was checking up online a few days ago and I found out that cptsd is worse than ordinary ptsd, that amazed me when you think that the military go through so much now and I've gone through so much years ago and I am worse off than them. Yet looking on Facebook I did not find one group dealing with cptsd, so I've opened a group myself, I'm looking for members if anyone is interested.
My daughter came to see me last week, and she bought me a couple of tiny angels and a couple silver sharks, ain't she sweet, they look so tiny against my full grown angels, it looks so strange seeing it.
I haven't been back to Fircroft at all, my agoraphobia has got bad again, but on a plus side I've managed to make myself ask for help this time, I have contacted a charity called Hestia and I have been put under the care of a small Nigerian lady called Rita. We are going to look like little and large walking down the street, when I actually do so that is.
I have got some humble pie to eat as well. Not good. I had a go at my nephews and nieces on Facebook, I thought they were extracting the urine (taking the piss) out of my missus, I was having a really bad time and found them making out they were going on a family holiday and didn't include my missus. Jeez, I hit the roof, they tried to explain, but me being me, I didn't listen, (or see it either) so I got some apologizing to do suppose I'd better get on with it soon ain't I? While I am in a reasonably good mood. Anyway that is it for now, I'm gonna try and make an appointment to see my doctor soon but hey ho we'll have to wait and see