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26th October 2016

Hi all, yet again it's been a few weeks since I last wrote here. I have been so rough most of the time, it took most of my strength just to keep myself smiling and not letting on, yes, I did slip several times and snapped at the missus, but, most of the time I was okay.
Ended up in hospital again with sepsis, only for a couple of days, maybe next time those little bugs that cause the sepsis might do a better job.
My memory seems to be getting slowly worse, a few days ago I wondered where I was for a few seconds, but I soon came around and realised where I was. Then theres the pains I keep getting in my head, jeez, sometimes it bloody well hurts, it don't last very long, I can cope with that. 
The missus is staying out more often and for longer and longer, just goes to show, no-one really gives a shit how I'm feeling, they all say they do, words are cheap though.
There is so much more I want to write but I get so tired all the time, I even fall asleep without realising nowadays.
Corrie is on the box so I got to go, an old man has to watch his soaps don't he??



25th August 2016

Was it really April that I last wrote on here, that's unbelievable, it's gone so quick and Christmas is just around the corner,

My cellulitis did go away for a short while, but it has reared it's ugly head again a couple of weeks ago. I suppose I knew it would, I was warned by the doctor. I have got an appointment at St Georges being arranged for me to see a Professor Mortimer about the damage done to the skin done by the cellulitis. I got some cream to put on my leg for the time being and some sort of soap to wash my leg with, because conventual soap drives the cellulitis crazy with itching.

I often wonder why me? I'm not a nasty person, yes I was in my teens and early twenties. Like all guys I just got in with the wrong crowd, it was fun though. 

I saw Dr Earl for the last time a few days ago, I broke down in tears when he very cleverly got me to talk about my father, I couldn't stop saying sorry for this, he asked me why I felt that I had to apologise for crying. So I told him, my father used to beat the crap out of me and if I cried he used to say it was a sign of weakness to show emotion, a man never cries. Even when I saw my mother die when the doctors turned of her life support, I didn't cry. I held it back till I  was alone, "a man never cries, it's a sign of weakness"

I will be 60 next birthday, I would just love to be back to normal by then, I doubt it though, but is there such a thing as normal? I wonder sometimes.

I've been thinking a lot about my life lately, I still have those stupid thoughts of suicide, but not so frequently, which I suppose that's a good thing. I still have flashbacks, I had 3 in a matter of minutes of each other. Why? it's stupid really, maybe it was because I was seeing Dr Earl for the last time, I will be seeing a Doctor Khan for my next appointment, a lady doctor. I wonder were that will lead, if it'll help or not.

I had my daughter and three grandchildren come down to stay for a week, haven't seen them in ages, it must be at least a couple of years if not more. The grandchildren have grown so much, the eldest has started senior school now, jeez makes me feel so old.

Oh well that's it, hopefully it won't be so long till next time 



Saturday 23rd April 2016

I have been running back and forth every day to the hospital for an injection of antibiotics for nearly three weeks, then they had a wonderful idea of bringing in a dermatologist. They gave me a small tube of cream to rub into my leg and said good bye to me.
The skin on the infected right leg was so dry, it was to be enough to last four weeks, twice a day. It lasted just about four days, twice a day. My leg has grown to about twice the normal size in diameter. The cream was great for clearing the dry skin, but as for the cellulitis, that has grown with a vengeance and the pain has grown with it as well. Yesterday, I phoned the hospital and spoke to the department that was giving me the injections, I told them that my leg was worse and was about the same as the first day I was taken in by ambulance, the reply was you'll have to go to your GP and get referred to the hospital, it made me feel like I had been patted on the head like a little dog and sent on my way.
Luckily I spoke to the GP's a couple and I've got an emergency appointment on Monday 25th, normally I would have to wait a month or so to see my GP, it's amazing the amount waiting I have to do there nowadays, I've been a patient there for around 28 years and it has slowly got harder & harder to get an appointment and virtually impossible to get an appointment on the same day.



12th April 2016

Yet again it has been so long since I wrote here, reason? I have been so busy with real life things. 
I spent a spell in hospital in mid march with sepsis and a possible blood clot or cellulitis in my right leg. The sepsis was got rid of quite quickly, but the other thing, which still in question, has had me running back and forth from the hospital for anti biotic  injection every day, it certainly makes things easier with my agoraphobia, I now have three places on my list that I can go to without any problems. 
The end of this week, 15/4, I have to go for yet another scan to see if they can get a clear image to see if I have a clot in my leg or not, the last one was a failure because of the amount of fluid in my leg, it's so swollen and painful. I have surprised myself, a stroke on my left side and this other crap in my right leg, how the hell do I walk? Very slowly hobble or waddle I must look a right sight when people see me.
Oh well I got so much else to put here but my head is all of fluster tonight.



21st January 2016

        Another year has started and has anything changed? No, nothing has changed. I was going to write here at the beginning of the year, around the first, but circumstances forbade it. 
        I have wondered why so many people associate complex post traumatic stress disorder with the military, even ordinary post traumatic stress disorder, which I can understand. The Americans seem to have taken over this area of illness, as usual. There is so much help online for PTSD, and the help is always pointed towards the military, but, I suffer with the rarer CPTSD, not many people understand this side and the reasons that I suffer with it
        I was beaten every day with fists, belts, boots, a walking stick and many other weapons, whatever he had to hand at the time. I was sexually abused, I was verbally abused and mentally abused nearly every day. 
       There was a christmas where I was given a scalextric set, it was a magnificent layout, I was over the moon, I possessed it for exactly three weeks, then he sold it so he could get a drink.
       I caught him in bed with my girlfriend, she was twelve, so was I, he was forty. I have been putting 'he' and that is for my father, the person that is supposed to protect and nurture a son. I hated him so much when he was alive and I still hate him. He stabbed me and tried to kill me several times. 
      My mother told me that I was the result of him raping my her. A few years back when my mother died, after an operation went wrong, I got texts calling me a murderer. I had spent two years pushing my mother into having a heart bypass, because she suffered from angina. I found out not too long ago it was one of my sisters that sent those texts.
       So CPTSD & PTSD isn't only felt by the military, although I have the greatest respect for all the guys that risk their lives every day, whichever country they come from. It can affect anyone, for whatever reason, those people that do suffer, I just wish that the people around understood the the way I felt and realised that I am suffering every day.