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18th December 2014

I've a quite a few bad days of late. Leading up to December 16th 2014 was awful, it was as if someone was trying to make me so miserable I would end up having another breakdown. The 16th was the 10th anniversary of my mother's death. Leading up to it, I didn't wash or shave for about a week, I just couldn't be bothered. Every day and night all I kept seeing was my mother lying in that hospital bed with the life support beside her helping her breath, knowing the fact that her death was my fault and still feeling the hurt deep inside, why can't I die and she could come back, impossible I know, but if only that could happen I would gladly give my life.
I haven't spoken to my eldest daughter for over a year now, now all of a sudden I get a message on Facebook from her today. She seems to think in that head of hers that the reason is that I haven't spoke to her is because she stood up to me, how I really don't know, the reason I haven't spoke to her is because she accused me of something that I would not say to her, she thinks I called her an unfit mother, like hell I did, she said that the doctors in Wolverhampton don't do call outs and I replied that everywhere in the country does have a doctor on call out 24/7 otherwise they'll be putting the children at risk, (her son was rushed to Birmingham children's hospital for open heat surgery when he was born) but all I got was a load of abuse, when she jumped down my throat, so I phoned Wolverhampton hospital which couldn't give me any information but they gave me a phone number to contact that would be able to answer my questions, I phoned it and was told that everywhere in this country has a doctor on call 24/7 if needed. So I passed this on and got even a load more abuse. After that I thought to myself I just can't take the shit that she keeps dishing out, she's always on the scrounge for money from her mother and never ever offers to pay it back, she goes out and drinks herself into a stupor and always acts like a total idiot, she's forever whinging and whining about something, I just can't take any of her shit anymore and thinking because it's Christmas would make any difference contacting me. She's got another think coming, she forgets I hate this time of year, which makes me even more not wanting to talk.
So I've answered her stupid message and now she's blocked on Facebook, I just can't take her whinging and whining, her asking for money because she's run up so many bills and loans she can't afford to pay them, her abuse towards me was the final straw. The only time I am going to talk to her now is from my grave.  



10th December 2014

A few days ago I actually went out for the day, it was the first time in weeks due to my agoraphobia. It started off okay, nerves were running high, but, I was determined to try and go ahead with the day.
First problem, after meeting the wife and going to McDonalds, we caught a 131 bus to go my daughters, I was looking forward to it. The bus had a crash, it was the car drivers fault but everyone was being the usual arseholes towards the bus driver, been there, done that, got the T-shirt many times over, being an ex bus driver myself, anyway the police arrived and I gave my details to the police as a witness for the bus driver.
Afterwards I had to walk to the bus station to catch another bus, my wife had had gone ahead because she had to pick up my grand daughter from nursery school. At the bus station a bus broke down in the entrance so nothing could get in, jeez, I was beginning to get a little stressed out as everyone was a little 'upset' when one bus drove straight past them. After that everything went okay and the day finished real good.
A few days ago I said to my wife how did she fancy going down to Tolworth for a bite to eat and maybe do some shopping, I really want to beat this agoraphobia, she agreed so we caught a bus and I was having a good day no stress, no anxiety really, I did have a bit of a flashback of when I was threatened with a metal bar but I fought it off.
After we had a meal we went to Iceland for some shopping, I was feeling okay, a bit anxious but generally okay, we got our shopping and while at the check out, a large man squeezed past me, I noticed he was trying to hide a bottle of Whiskey but as soon as he tried to leave the shop security were on him.
My wife had finished packing the shopping so we started to leave, I stopped, looked round at the security guard with the shoplifter, he had given up a large bottle of Vodka and the Whiskey, my wife called me and said the usual, "It's not our problem, leave it," I thought to myself  'that's the wrong attitude,' but started to leave again but I heard a shout, I turned to see the shoplifter running towards me, I couldn't even move out of the way, I ended up on the floor as he barged me out of the way, the wife says I tried to stop him, as if I would do something that stupid, I'm disabled for f*** sake, she said I put my hand up to stop him, maybe I did put my hand up, I can't remember, but I doubt it was to try and stop the a/hole, more like to tell the guy not to knock me down, which he did anyway.
The security guard and a Indian guy helped me up and sat me on a chair, everyone was staring at me, I was so embarrassed, also the anxiety I was feeling was through the roof, I just had to get out of there.
When I got home, I locked myself in the loo and burst out crying, why? I don't know. Ever since then though I have been feeling really bad again, I am having some real weird nightmares, flashbacks have increased, I am having problems sleeping, I don't want to eat but force myself to do so, I am smiling outside when my wife is around just so not to look as if I am not feeling too good.
She never asks how I am doing or if I am okay anyway and as far as she is concerned I am putting it all on, even though I have seen doctors and psychiatrists diagnosing me with PTSD and everything else, she knows better than them. The only one that has ever asked how I am is my daughter, every day I get a text from her asking how I am, but I am just saying I am fine, lies of course, but now I don't have a care worker, what else can I say? If I say, 'I'm fine' maybe it'll work and I will become fine, the only problem is I am having increasing thoughts of suicide as well. I might be better off to give in to my thoughts, but not if I keep fighting them, but there is only so much a person can take before they just give up.



2nd December 2014

What a few days it's been feeling like shit and having damn stupid thoughts again. I thought I would attempt to go out to my daughters' yesterday, my agoraphobia has been playing up big time lately, I had a doctor's appointment, which I have no problem attending, afterwards, I caught a bus, it was soon packed solid. I was sat next to this elderly gentleman, he must have worked out something was wrong as I was holding onto my walking stick so tightly my knuckles turned white, and I had my eyes shut.
Arriving at Kingston I met my wife and grandson, we went to McDonald's for breakfast then caught a bus to my daughters, the bus got hit by a car, after about twenty minutes I got asked to leave the bus to catch another bus, which I did. Making my way to the bus station I waited for a couple of minutes when a bus decided to break down in the entrance so no other buses could get into the bus station. I did get to my daughters in the end but what a frigging day.
I give up I won't go out anymore unless I really have to, it's safer to suffer from agoraphobia and stay in.