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31st October 2014

Anyone want a headache? I tried to talk to my care worker a couple of days ago and I got the distinct feeling he couldn't give a crap about what I was trying to tell him, then he suggested I tried talking therapy again. Last time I done it, it contributed to me having a stroke. I guess he wants me to kick the bucket. 
I've been feeling okay-ish for the last few days, I been having a lot of headaches though. They last a few minutes then disappear and come back again a few minutes later. I take a couple of painkillers but they don't and they're prescription ones as well and very strong.
Had my grandchildren visit last weekend, my little grandson is only 18 mouths old and he is such a character. Whenever he wants something he comes to his old grandad, not his mum, not his grandma, but little old me, it really makes my day, I love it.
So it will soon be that time of year again, that time when everything goes wrong for me, I wonder what will happen this year?
I have been busy today building a forum for someone today. took me 4 hours and still loads to do, all good fun.
So just a little blog this time as my head hurts
23rd October 2014

Here we are again. Recently all I can think about is death, my death, people I know, their death, everyone's death. Why? I really would like to know. Death is a subject I know, I have survived death, as a kid I was stabbed, my father tried to drown me, poison me, he even set me on fire. all of these I have survived. I have tried several times to take my own life, the last time I done this I did actually die, but, the hospital brought me back, why? I wish they didn't at times, even now.
People go on about God and the afterlife. They go on about how they sends prayers about people. I say what a load of tosh. What is God? In my opinion, it's an entity that has been passed down through the years, it is something that is drummed into people as children. It is written about in a book that also has been passed down through the ages, this book is called the bible. Again in my opinion this book was written by some very clever story tellers over two centuries ago.
How can people in the twenty first century still believe in a story that was told and written about so long ago? How can anyone believe such stories without proof that they actually happened. I am told it is called faith. 
I say this, "do you believe in ghosts?" most will answer no, but how can they believe there's an afterlife if they don't believe in ghosts? Isn't that what a ghost is? Someone who has died? Of course it is. Isn't that what God is? Of course it is.
I have found that through my life, people who shout loudest about religion, normally are the most violent. Look at what is going on today in this world of ours. There are people out there killing in the name of religion, why? Isn't religion supposed to be about peace and love? Isn't religion about helping your neighbour? Helping the stranger on the street? I rarely see any of this these days.
How often does anyone give a few pennies to someone who is homeless? Very rarely. 
Now there are these Muslim radicals, killing and raping women in the name of religion, there are people being beheaded in the name of religion, 
What is religion? Having faith in something that a person has never seen of or even heard, saying that though there are people who have supposed to have seen things and heard things that they say is supposed to be this God. If I said that I had spoken to God and he answered me I would be locked up and the key would be thrown away.
So why do people believe in these things? I really don't know. Are people gullible? Yes I think that they are, what else can it be called? What else can I call someone that believes in something that they have never heard, seen or smelt?   


7th October 2014

Haven't wrote here for a while as a lot has been going on. After the last entry here I was poisoned, accidentally I hasten to add and by a plant. I had grown this plant from some seeds I got from Ebay, I read the instructions and carefully raised and then planted them outside, they soon flowered and as one of the flowers died I thought I would cut off the dead one and dispose of it, big mistake, little did I know that this flower, the stem and leaves were poison. Within two days I was flat out on my bed, I was covered in a rash, one minute sweating buckets, the next minute freezing cold. I did visit the doctor when the rash first appeared and was given some antihistamines, I was supposed to take one or two a day, I was taking six a day and they didn't help much and I was covering the rash in calamine lotion, which stopped the itching for about half hour, this all lasted about a week. Then there was the pain in the joints in my hands, fingers, wrists and shoulders, also the swelling of the hands and fingers along with the blisters on the fingers. As I squeezed to close my fingers into a fist, the pain was really bad and the blisters turned into bruises as the blood leaked out under the skin. I still have some pain in the joints and where the blisters were the skin is peeling off now.

When I recovered enough to get up I thought I would do some research and that is when I found out about these plants. They are native to India, but have spread into Europe. When the plant is mature and the flower is supposed to fall and it becomes a seed pod. When that is mature the seeds are deadly, in fact, they used to be used to murder people, covering the hands, they used to chop up the seeds and mix it into a stew, within hours the person who ate the stew was dead.

I have obviously disposed of the plants and I am thankful that it was me that got poisoned and not my grandchildren, as they would not have survived, I was lucky as I should have been taken into hospital, it just goes to show that you just don't know what is around you.

(I am not going to say the name of the plant as I don't want to be responsible for someone else's pain)

Well that's one thing, my own life with the PTSD has been bad, the dark feelings I suffer from have escalated, maybe due to the poisoning, I feel so low lately, and I feel so bloody useless all the time, A friend of mine doesn't chat to me anymore, I miss her, even though she's only eighteen, she understands so much about things as she goes through dark times herself. She is a good friend and a good mate, and so mature for her young age. I didn't know her age until quite recently, I thought she was in her thirties by the way she chatted, I met her first on the Rethink forum, which sadly has now closed down.
Someone started up another forum, but I started up one as well, which, in my opinion, was so much better and more like the old forum than the other one. The so called friends on there said they would join me, but as usual I found out that who was my friends were and I finally have closed my forum down. I enjoy running a forum so I will have a good think and maybe open another at a later date.

Till next time ttfn.