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29th May 2015

The last couple of weeks I have been evaluating my life, then  I say 'what life?'  Here is a run down of my life.
I wake in the morning, normally around 5am sometimes a bit later. I get up but I rarely wash, I go downstairs and put the kettle on, as I wait for the kettle I do the washing up from the previous night's dinner or whatever we might have had. I fill a plastic bottle I've saved with water. I make myself a cup of tea. Are you still with me whoever you may be reading this?
I sit in the chair supplied to me by the occupational health department when I had my stroke, I turn on my radio to my favorite channel, some oldie song is playing, I just love the old sixties music, if you're interested the station is called 'Gold,' you can find it at 1548 am. 
I drink my tea, the wife is at work, she leaves at 4:30am four days a week. So starts my day. I feed my tropical fish, I look at my phone for messages, email, facebook, twitter, skype and three games I play on there, then I look at the BBC weather and news apps. After reading the latest news I take my morning medications, 9 various tablets for the morning and there's 4 left for the evening, I so want to stop taking them, but, if I do then I know things will start going wrong again. 
Most mornings at 9:25am I watch the Jeremy Kyle show. Some of it makes me laugh as the people say they've turned to drink or drugs, sometimes both, because they had a bad childhood, yeah right, maybe I should've turned to drink or drugs then. At this point I feel like screaming out as I didn't turn to that shit and I was beaten near on every day by a man who was supposed to be my father. "Just for the fun of it" he used to say, he tried on several times to kill me, I wish he had succeeded at times, then there was the other abuse, he used to make me do stuff that I am so ashamed of, even today.
Why do I watch Jeremy Kyle? I really don't know. After Jeremy Kyle, I turn off the TV, maybe do some housework, maybe some washing or drying, if I feel up to it, but if I don't she'll only moan, saying that though she hasn't for quite some time, and if I do anything, even making the bed is wrong, apparently I don't do it to her standards. Still with me? Amazing life isn't it?
Why don't you go out I hear you say, well, agoraphobia is a hard thing to overcome. The only time I can go out is when I have a hospital appointment or a doctors appointment. The rest of the time I need my better half with me.
Most days I don't see her till the evening because she looks after the grandchildren, sometimes I get the crazy idea that she only looks after them to get away from me, maybe it's true, maybe it isn't, I don't know.
Lunchtime comes and goes, sometimes I might make myself something to eat, maybe an omelette or a peanut butter sandwich. I watch the news, there is so much hatred in the world, why? The biggest mistake recently in the news is that Cameron is back in number 10, I have always said he is Margaret Thatcher incarnate. Then I watch Judge Rinder, he is so funny at times. Are you still here? If you are I am quite frankly amazed.
Have you experienced loneliness? It is the bane of my life, I feel and live through loneliness every day and since losing my job 9 years ago I can't get away from it. They say you can experience loneliness in a room full of people, I can't even take that, I have to get away or I know that I will have an anxiety attack.
Everyday I have at least one flashback, they are getting bad again, why? I wish I knew. Along with the nightmares at night and the flashbacks during the day, sometimes it gets too much, but who really cares how I am feeling? My youngest daughter asks how I am most days, my wife very rarely asks, saying that she asked yesterday, the first time in ages. I have asked why she doesn't ask me how I am, she replies she can't be asked to because I go on so about the same things. Yet, I sit and listen to her go on every day about how busy she has been at work, then watch her play on her phone or text God only knows and that's on the very rare occasion when she is home with me after work. 
Afternoon is filled with the same crap as the morning, maybe I'll get the computer up and running and play a few more games, write a couple of emails maybe. I am thinking about taking up my writing again, it's been a while since I done any and it might make my mind stop with all the shit every day, worth a try isn't it? I doubt if it'll work though, the shit will just take over again. People used to say they loved my writing because I wrote as if I was talking to them directly, they'd say that they had never experienced that before. 
Bet you have all given up by now? You haven't? Amazing I would have.
By evening, my wife is home, if I'm lucky, it'll be by 19:00 and maybe we might have some dinner, but on a Friday it's totally different, she don't work Saturdays, so maybe I might see her before 22:00 and if I say anything and I mean anything at all, the answer I get is "stop feeling sorry for yourself, blah, blah, blah. For God sake, I am not feeling sorry for myself, I just want some company, is it too much to ask? I know I don't say much nowadays, but I daren't anymore, if I do all I get is my head snapped off or I get contradicted.
My psychiatrist said to me last time I saw him that to start getting me out and fighting this agoraphobia, I should try to go to the bus stop to meet my wife from work, the bus stop is just outside the doctors surgery so no biggy. I suggested this to her and have a guess on how many times it has happened .... none. She was supposed to text me about half hour before she would meet me and I would walk to the bus stop.
Today she has gone to my youngest daughters, have I been asked if I would like to go with her ... No
She knows that the last few days I have been on a bad time, I am having such awful thoughts again, even to a degree of suicide once again. 
I want so much for her to be around or even talk to me and ask what's wrong more, is that too much to ask? I guess it is. We have been together 34 years now, why am I being treated by the woman I love like this? I really would like to know. I also guess me writing this on my blog will be wrong also, but that is why I write this blog, I want to vent off the stuff that is hurting me so much.
If you have read this far I bet you are thinking I need locking up, well, maybe you're right. Locking up six feet under. That is the way I feel, but killing myself achieves nothing, maybe I should just leave her. That is another thing I suggested and her reply, "I'd be better off without you anyway" she meant money-wise, how can she say that to me? After all I have done and gone through, have I wasted 34 years of my life? It certainly looks like it to me and the more I write here the more that death looks a good alternative to me.

till next time



14th May 2015

I ain't been too well of late, the pain in my legs and feet is getting worse with each day that passes. I am taking more painkillers with each day that passes to combat it, trouble is, the ones I'm on have a warning on them about addiction, I've already taken six today and it's only 13:45. I've seen addicts and it's not a pretty sight.

On an up note, I'm thinking about taking up writing again. Before I was diagnosed with my illness, I used to write a lot, short stories, poetry, even on role play sites, I loved it, I always found it relaxing and calming. But the thoughts in my head were just a fuddled mess which made things difficult to think about, including life itself.  

I'm still having the damn nightmares, not so often now, but they're still haunting me. I'm still having the damn flashbacks. I scared the crap out of the better half the other day. I was sort of dozing and a flashback started, she's never seen me have one before, I screamed out which made her jump, I'm a silly ass.  

I have had some good news as well. Two of my three grandchildren are coming to stay for a week in August, I haven't seen them for, at a guess, near on three years. I am so looking forward to that.

I'm doing myself some lunch so till next time.