17th November 2014

I am feeling really anxious today, my heart is pounding, I'm controlling my breathing and riding it out. Why? I don't know. So much is going on in my head, sometimes it all gets to much, yes I have nearly given up on several occasions.

I want to phone up my care worker, saying that, I have to speak to whoever is on duty, something I just can't do, I can't talk too well to people unless I know them, or know what they're like, so I am in a quagmire, in the shit if I do and in the shit if I don't.

One piece of good news, sort of, I have spoken to one of my brothers. The first time in a lot of years, too many I have lost count, it was amazing to actually speak to him, it made me feel good. The only downside, he is going through a lot of shit at the moment and it's exactly what I was going through six years ago. He has promised me to keep on with his counselling, I really hope he keeps that promise because it will get him through this shit he is experiencing, it might not seem like it at first, but he will get there, it just needs patience and willpower to succeed.

We have made a deal as well, he is coming to collect me in the new year so I can finally meet his fiance, she is such a wonderful person, I  spoke to her as well, she keeps my brother in check lmao.

I have been thinking about work again, I know that I can't do normal work, I know that I am unemployable unless the job center gets involved, then I could be given anything, trouble is I have this PTSD and could explode at anyone at anytime, which I did before I was diagnosed, also there's the effects of my stroke, I still have weakness in my left side, so I have been thinking about maybe looking on the net for a job working from home, I really don't know what to do. I have started a course on mental health, it's free so I hope I finish it, if I do I will get a PHD, lmao, so I will have letters after my name, even if I am getting close to 60 years old.