5th August 2014

In the past few days I have found out a few things that have disturbed me greatly. How can a person that witnessed what I went through on a daily basis as a kid, tell someone that nothing ever happened? It was someone that I thought that loved me, but obviously didn't with the comments she made. I know for a fact that I was the result of a rape, my father raped my mother. she told me this. But my head is full of confusion and hurt. My mother saw what happened to me every day, yet she's denied all of it to my wife before she died, WHY? She know's it happened, the beatings, she didn't know about the sexual abuse, that happened after she left me alone with that scum bucket. I always thought of my mother as the one person in this world I could trust with my life, with everything I own, I was so wrong.

I saw her running away from my father with him chasing her with a 12 bore shotgun, I took a knife in my side for her when I saw him try to stab her, I helped her get away from him when I caught him in bed with my girlfriend who was only 12 years old, I kept it to myself when she split my head open when she hit me with her shoe, why would she lie? It seems to me everyone in my life has lied to me, no wonder I hate lies so much, no wonder I cannot trust anyone, no wonder I am feeling like the way I do right now. I am beginning to wonder if there is any more lies I am going to find out.

G'night

    

3rd August 2014

It's been a while since I have written anything here, I wasn't very well for a few days. Life got really bad. I was having some really bad thoughts, suicide mainly, but I didn't know why. I managed to fight them off, but the worse thing was to hide what I was going through from the wife. I had a few close calls where I nearly lost my rag with her, but managed to stop myself. 

Why am I going through all this? I know no-one can answer me but it would be nice to know the reason. I know the cause, a psychotic man for a father, the abuse he dished out every day, the beatings for the slightest little reason, sometimes no reason at all, he used to say, "just for the fun of it." I look at other people to see the signs of any other child that might be getting abused. 

Why do parents abuse their children? Yeah I was no angel, no child is really, but they have to be allowed to grow, I was never allowed that privilege. I never learnt anything from either of my parents really if the truth be known. I have never had any 'real' friends, people I can actually trust.

Trust is a big thing with me, can anyone actually say that they would trust someone with their life these days? I don't really think anyone can say that with their hand on their heart. 

Family is a different matter. Blood is different. You automatically trust your family, until they let you down, then it's even harder to regain the trust.

I started to trust my care worker, little by little, but no more, I will never trust him ever again, why? I had a meeting with him a couple of weeks ago, I was treated so badly, like a pest, even as a time waster, that is how I felt anyway. It is so difficult for me to open up fully about how I feel to anyone, to actually tell someone what I went through, to talk about something that is so disgustingly filthy to anyone, especially when the person I have to talk about is my own father, I just can't do that.

Just recently there has been a lot of stories on the news about people being abused as children, I listen to them and I think to myself, ' if only people could listen to me without me actually talking about things,' it would be so fantastic I would be so happy, if only people could actually listen to someone's mind.

I actually went out today, it's been so long since I have been out, it's an experience I wouldn't wish on anyone. Firstly the fear of going out, I have managed to fight those feelings, they're not going to get the better of me again. I walked into Surbiton, easy going to Surbiton, it's downhill. On the way back I brought the wife dinner, it was nice, couldn't afford it but what the hell.

I am rambling on a bit here, I apologize for this, I am trying to keep myself occupied, firstly my heart is trying to break through my ribs, it's called an anxiety attack, only a small one, but I don't want it to grow.

Till next time ........

    

21st July 2014

Today, I got a text from my daughter informing me that it is my grand daughters' leaving assembly, I started to cry. I have let her down yet again. A few days ago my grand daughters' school put on their production of Willy wonka's chocolate factory, she texted me a couple of days before, saying, she wanted for me to go so much, I had to say no, I had to let her down, I couldn't face the fact of so many people being around me. Then there was the school sports day, I couldn't go to that either, now, her leaving assembly! I am a useless bastard, all I do all day is sit on my arse on my computer, or doing fuck all, why don't I just put an end to it, I am no good to anyone, at least I'd be out of the way of everyone.

I have so far sent three emails to my care worker, no replies, when I phoned, he was away for a few days, he didn't even tell me, I was talking to my doctor on Friday, he said he would contact him, still nothing. 

I'm not sleeping properly, I am exhausted, I want so much to end things right now, I don't care who knows it either, the nightmares have returned when I do grab a couple of hours, the flashbacks are getting strong again, how much more can I take? Not a lot more ...............

Jana Mashonee - The Enlightened Time

17th July 2014

I am getting so pissed off today, alone again, I hate being alone, so much fucks with my head, I have increased my medication, with permission of course, I am so tired all day and can't sleep nights, 

I have just written a letter to my care worker, now I find the keys missing to my filing cabinet, I have hurt my arm pulling the damn thing out, feel like smashing it to bits, why do I keep feeling so angry then after a few minutes I am jumping around, what's wrong with me? Am I finally ending up cracking? I've had one breakdown am I heading for another? I would like to know, I'm sweating like a pig and so thirsty all the time, I am giving up I've had enough of everything and everybody. 

Maybe things will change ...

Monday 7th July

I've had a reasonable weekend, which makes a nice change. My grandchildren came visiting and they always make me feel so much better. 

I went to see my GP on Friday, I keep getting these mood swings, I asked my GP to increase my venlafaxine, which he did for two weeks, hopefully it calms me down and I might get these moods I keep having under control

I do have a problem however. I keep getting these pains in my head, mainly on the right side, just above my ear. I get this tingling sensation as well, it's goes right around my head in the upper part of my head, it feels weird. It has been going on now for a few weeks, about ten to twelve weeks, it seems to be getting a little worse, but not so bad that it's causing any real problems .... Yet.

Yesterday (Sunday) I had to lie down for a while because I had a blinder of a headache, but after a couple of hours sleep it had gone, maybe because I had only two hours sleep and was up at 3:45am. 

Today I dozed off in my chair, only for a few minutes, I felt like someone was bending over me, imagination? my mind playing tricks on me? I don't know, maybe it could have been a new flashback, I used to hate people leaning over me because I felt threatened.

Anyway it's nearly midnight and I got to go make a cuppa, maybe a bit of toast too.

I will be back soon......

3rd July 2014

Today is the 1st July, from here on in it's downhill for another year.This month is the anniversary of my so-called father's death. I can't remember the exact date, but who gives a shit anyway? I don't. 

I have had a few really bad days, a real throbbing headache for three days, but it's finally gone this afternoon. The weekend. I seem to be getting angry so easily just lately, not with anybody, just with things happening around me. It's hard to explain why, it's just when something goes wrong, which doesn't normally bother me, I start to feel annoyed with it or myself.

My memory seems to be getting worse as well, why should it get worse? It's been around 18 months since my stroke, I guess the lovely Dr Cheong was right, it can only deteriorate with time because of the damage done by the stroke.

Things have been really tight lately financially, with so many bills to pay along with the rent and council tax, when I think about it there are so many things these days with tax on it, makes you wonder what's next for the tax man? And yet we just sit back and say nothing as a people, along with everything else in this god awful country of ours.

I sit here on this computer nearly every day, I read about people and their problems, I play games and I wish more than once each and every day that I could just get back to normal, so I could get back to work and get my license back.
But I guess that'll never happen.

~~xXx~~

The above post was written on the 1st July but was too tired to carry on. Today is the 3rd July and I feel like just getting up and leaving, disappear forever, but I can't, reason? Because I care. Am I too soft? Yes I guess I am.

Yesterday I had to go to the podiatrist for my three monthly check up. a couple of days before I asked my wife to come with me, she said yes as she had nothing to do. Like so many times before she let me down. Like so many times before I had to go somewhere by myself. It might not seem like a big deal to anyone, but when you aren't well and you are really trying to live a normal life as much as possible IT IS A BIG DEAL and guess what? She denied saying that she would come with me as usual, that is what hurts, she does it every time, maybe it's embarrassment being seen with me, or maybe she just doesn't give a damn at all.

I sent her a text last night, I also sent one to my youngest daughter, that's where my wife went, saying that from now on, I only speak when I am spoken to, I only do anything when asked, so there is no more misunderstandings, I was going to put lies but that would have been so wrong.

I got up this morning at 4:30am why? I don't really know why, I guess the thoughts about leaving, ending things and getting one of my scalpels and slicing up myself are getting too strong again. 

My care worker didn't tell let me know he was away till today, I found out yesterday because I got angry and phoned him, I got his answerphone, informing that he was away, I have sent him a couple of emails which haven't been answered, telling him that I wasn't happy about the way I was treated at our last meeting. I thought he was ignoring me, guess that didn't help. 

Some people just don't understand these feelings I'm having, saying after six years I should be better, treating me like I am better, saying things like, 'I shouldn't live in the past' and 'I should man up and get over it' I really wish I could just 'man up' as they put it, and be 'normal' again, from the bottom of my heart, I really do. But it ain't that easy.

I got an appointment with my GP on Friday 4th July, I am losing it again, why? I wish I knew.