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2nd February 2015

February already. As I get older it seems the months go quicker, it's my birthday next month and I'll be 58 years old. Jeez I am so old, I'll soon be 60, what a horrible thought?  
I've been given even more tablets to take to try and do something with this swelling of my feet and legs, I woke up yesterday in so much pain, it was almost impossible to bear, the veins in my calf on my right leg were pushing out just below the knee joint, then after taking the meds and getting up to go downstairs, the veins reduced but the pain persisted nearly all day.

The past few weeks have been hell for me personally, back to the bad nights, the nightmares are back with a vengeance, the thoughts of suicide are back, but, I can fight those mostly, I just think of my family, that helps a lot, especially my little 'guardian angel,' my eldest grand daughter, I just focus on her and her smiley face, it works every time , well almost.
I did get fed up with my wife a little while ago, she has said so many times that I should have got better by now, I just wish it was that easy, it's not like a broken leg, you break it, you get it fixed, you wait a few weeks and it's all better.

I have started doing my ship again, though I am finding it difficult as I still have weakness in my left hand and arm, but it's a distraction and I really do need that distraction big time right now.