11th February 2015

I have no real reason to carry on now, but I am going to try and keep going. It's been over a year since my eldest daughter spoke to me, I have had no contact whatsoever with her, except for a sarcastic text, reason? She accused me of accusing her of being an unfit mother after I proved she lied to me. Now my youngest daughter has decided that she is no longer going to be talking to me and I am not going to see my grandchildren anymore after I tried to joke around with her, she flew off in a huge temper tantrum at me, I really don't know why. She swore at me, and as she walked out the front door she told me to f*** off. I really don't know what I done wrong. She was shouting at me saying everything was about me, I really don't don't know why. This has really upset me so much today.

Both of my daughters and my wife, I feel, think that my PTSD along with everything else is better now, why? Because I am not so bad now. my wife, on many occasions has accused me of putting things on, I really am not putting stuff on, she's even accused me of putting my stroke on, ridiculous, how can I put the symptoms of a stroke on? Why are my family treating me like this? I really would like to know.

I was looking at tents and sleeping bags earlier, thinking of leaving home and going on the road, I've done it before when I was young, I am sure I could do it again, even though I only have one fully functioning arm and leg, it would be better than being around people, any people at the moment, I want to be alone, I don't want to be near anyone.

I will stay at home for now as I have an appointment with my doctor at the hospital on the 20th February. Then in the first week of April, my wife and youngest daughter have decided to go on holiday in Palma for a week, I wasn't asked about it, I was just told about it and told I wouldn't be able to go anyway because of the problems with my legs and feet, I guess I will just have to believe that.

I didn't get much sleep last night, so much going in my head, everything seems to want me to head in one direction, but, for now, that isn't going to happen, but I don't know for how long, maybe it's the right direction but at a later date.

TTFN