8th January 2015

Another year has arrived, another year of crap and pain. I have been in so much pain the last few weeks with my legs and feet, oh well shit happens. The last few weeks I just cannot get the thought of death out of my head, I think about it all the time, ways I could do it to myself, like jumping off a bridge onto the A3, which runs near my home, get on the M25 and drive at high speed then drive off the road, I'd have to get a car first though as I no longer have a license, an overdose seems a good option, but have I got the nerve to do any of these? I know if I do anything I will upset a lot of people. I've finally got most of my family back, all but three of my brothers two of which I haven't seen for so long, then there's the youngest one, he hates me so much, I let him down so much so I do understand his feelings for me.

As for my PTSD, depression and anxiety, I have tried so hard to get through it now without any help from the hospital. I tried to phone there the other evening because I realize I do need help, I have tried so much to ignore my feelings that have been going through me, why am I feeling so bad all the time? I wish I knew.

Some good news for a change, one of my brothers is getting married next year to the most wonderful lady I have had the pleasure of getting to know, only trouble is that she is so stubborn, which is a good thing sometimes, but, I can't talk there, I am just as bad as her at times.  

TTFN