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Wednesday

21st May 2014

I have been having seriously bad thoughts again, why am I having such thoughts again? My life has returned to what is was like just before I tried hard, but not hard enough, to end my life. Both my daughters have once again turned against me, I am wondering if they really did care as much as they have told me they did. 
I was talking to my eldest daughter about twenty four hour doctor cover around where she lives, she told me there isn't any, I copped the hump and said that there has to be and asked why she would lie about such a thing, I have caught her out in so many lies before. I was worried about my grandson more than anything as he has twice had open heart surgery and had a mechanical valve fitted, he is nearly eight years old, I am allowed to worry about him, aren't I? Not only him though my other two grandchildren, one of which one has very bad eczema, she ain't spoke to me since.
My youngest daughter is also not talking to me now it seems. I have asked her three times up to this week, why is my eldest daughter not talking to me? To be honest I just cannot understand her and why she ain't talking to me, she is just being so childish as usual, I only asked just in case she had told my youngest daughter, she took this totally the wrong way and told me to stop having goes at her and not to text her anymore. Again I was just worried, but that too was wrong. 
A while ago, I made a promise to my youngest daughter that I would never try to take my life again, I guess that no longer exists as she has turned her back on me. 
I am alone once again, my wife does try to understand, she tries so hard at times, bless her, but she leaves me alone most days, the only contact, an occasional text. Loneliness is something I have dealt with all my life. I just don't like the loneliness, to me it is my killer. When I am alone my thoughts take over, thoughts of the pain that has caused me to be diagnosed with complex post traumatic stress disorder, the nightmares, the flashbacks, thoughts that seem so real I can still feel the pain as if they are happening now.
The only way I have found to release these thoughts is to write, but even that has become so difficult now. I did try to rejoin a website that I spent many hours of enjoyment writing, I decided to try and join under a different name, but the owner, whom knows me so well, caught me out, so I haven't been back, just because of the embarrassment of it all.
I sit here today wondering why people who you love so much, can hurt you so bad? Recently, I have had several blood tests, which showed my sugar levels are raised, my liver is damaged, I guess from the massive overdose I took a while back, stupid I know but I just couldn't cope anymore. I had a heart monitor fitted for twenty four hours which shows my heart misses a beat every so often, and it's beating extremely fast, so I guess I ain't got long on this earth now, but who gives a shit? Not a single living sole. No-one here even cares, so with some luck my heart gives out soon and I join my wonderful mother, where ever she may be.

Bye for now.