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7th April 2014

When I am feeling bad I try to smile through things and mess about with the wife, joking about, having a laugh etc, it helps me make it through the day. Yesterday she has a go at me for no reason at all, so I told her that I would keep quiet, we never spoke all day. About 15:00 I accidentally knock a cup of coffee out of her hand with a cushion, which I threw on to the couch, I did it with my left hand, which ain't the best because of my stroke, she calls me a bully and she should have kicked me out years ago, well I saw red, it took all my strength to not kick off, I was fuming, I wanted to really kick off, but I knew if I did I would do something stupid, I am still angry this morning, what am I to do? Do I walk and leave her? She'll be evicted from her home onto the streets, I can't do that.
The thoughts in my head keep going round, kill myself, to get out of this world, I want to do this more than ever now. I made a promise to my daughter that I wouldn't do that again, but each day that passes it gets harder to keep that promise, I know that it seems to be the easy way out, but if that is the way she feels, then we will see. 
I'm not going to do anything stupid at the moment, I have control enough to stop myself doing anything stupid, but my ptsd is getting a hold of me again, my depression is starting to rise again, I couldn't stop myself last night from getting a little upset, she didn't see it.
I am done giving up, it is always me that gives in and apologizes first, even when I have done nothing wrong, well not this time. 
I have had enough.