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25th August 2016

Was it really April that I last wrote on here, that's unbelievable, it's gone so quick and Christmas is just around the corner,

My cellulitis did go away for a short while, but it has reared it's ugly head again a couple of weeks ago. I suppose I knew it would, I was warned by the doctor. I have got an appointment at St Georges being arranged for me to see a Professor Mortimer about the damage done to the skin done by the cellulitis. I got some cream to put on my leg for the time being and some sort of soap to wash my leg with, because conventual soap drives the cellulitis crazy with itching.

I often wonder why me? I'm not a nasty person, yes I was in my teens and early twenties. Like all guys I just got in with the wrong crowd, it was fun though. 

I saw Dr Earl for the last time a few days ago, I broke down in tears when he very cleverly got me to talk about my father, I couldn't stop saying sorry for this, he asked me why I felt that I had to apologise for crying. So I told him, my father used to beat the crap out of me and if I cried he used to say it was a sign of weakness to show emotion, a man never cries. Even when I saw my mother die when the doctors turned of her life support, I didn't cry. I held it back till I  was alone, "a man never cries, it's a sign of weakness"

I will be 60 next birthday, I would just love to be back to normal by then, I doubt it though, but is there such a thing as normal? I wonder sometimes.

I've been thinking a lot about my life lately, I still have those stupid thoughts of suicide, but not so frequently, which I suppose that's a good thing. I still have flashbacks, I had 3 in a matter of minutes of each other. Why? it's stupid really, maybe it was because I was seeing Dr Earl for the last time, I will be seeing a Doctor Khan for my next appointment, a lady doctor. I wonder were that will lead, if it'll help or not.

I had my daughter and three grandchildren come down to stay for a week, haven't seen them in ages, it must be at least a couple of years if not more. The grandchildren have grown so much, the eldest has started senior school now, jeez makes me feel so old.

Oh well that's it, hopefully it won't be so long till next time