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16th November 2015

Well, silence is golden, as the song goes. I have realised that my life is just a waste of time. I  have wasted 33 years of my life staying with a women that so obviously doesn't give a shit about about me. Yes, she occasionally she looks after me since my strokes but, I have a feeling that she thinks of this as a chore that she feels that she has to do as I pay for things she needs and as a necessarily need for being with me for so long.

I want to end things, including my life, but I haven't got the guts anymore. Maybe that what a coward feels like when he/she cannot do stuff because he or she is so scared of the consequences. That is what I feel like. I have everything I need to end my life, but I am too scared, reason? Because last time I tried, it scared the crap out of me. The hallucinations were horrendous while I was in the ambulance going to hospital. I did die at some point, but, the hospital staff brought me back, I have to add there is no big bright light or angels flying around. I've always said there is nothing out there and that proved me right. 

I have always said also there is no such thing as a God. I have been proven right there as well. Just goes to show show that all these people that believe in a greater existence are just a big bunch of gullible idiots that have had things drilled into their heads from their childhood and they know no different and it's just a money spinning scam.

I might as well just keep going in this awful existence that I live, if you can call it living, until such time that my body just gives up and I go to sleep forever. If I help myself along the way then that is up to me. My doctors are great and I can talk to them, which helps a lot Last time I saw Dr Edwards I broke down in tears, he was his caring self as usual, but words are just words and I have given up on contributing my vocalization on everything from now on.