22nd October 2015
I've been wanting to write here for days but, I've been stopping myself, why? Because of crazy thoughts. I've been having these thoughts every day just recently, crazy thoughts of suicide, crazy thoughts of jumping from a bridge onto the A3, I even have the bridge in mind to jump from, it's isolated and far from prying eyes, it's actually a bridleway for horses and a pedestrian bridge, but, rarely used.
I have crazy thoughts of going there, sitting there for hours, waiting for a text or a call that never comes from my missus. Is it crazy? I don't think so.
Other things that have been running through my nut, is to actually go out there and disappear from everyone and everything, the bills, the noise every day, the fact of knowing that everyone around me is normal and then there's me, a lazy good for nothing, useless, idiotic, pain in the butt to everyone, and I mean every one of my family that ain't blood, my missus's sister and her family have all turned their back on me, all my so-called mates from work have all turned their backs on me, they said they would keep in touch. My sister in law and her family just don't understand cptsd and how it works or should I say, how it destroys a person from the inside.
In 2012, I was accused of murdering my mother because I persuaded her to have a heart bypass and then it went wrong. Then there was decision to turn off her life support, after which I started to get texts accusing me of murdering her and threats of violence if I turned up at my own mothers' funeral, does anyone know how that feels? I don't think so. Then there's that word, murderer, it has never gone from me, it has stuck there in my head, taunting me every day, it has even made me want to kill someone just to feel what it is like to take someone's life, but that is just impossible for me, thoughts are just thoughts, thank god.
There is another thing that happens every day and that is my agoraphobia. I am fighting it every day, I want so much to go out, on my own, just for a walk, but I can't.
I have managed to go out, yes, but it has been a huge struggle, also I have had to have a reason to go out, like going to the hospital, or to the doctors, even to my wonderful daughters', but I still can't just go out for a walk to the park, or to town, it scares the crap out of me just to try.
No-one around me seems to understand the fact of this, I think they think I'm just using excuses to sit around all day, or I use my cptsd as an excuse for when things go wrong. If I get a bit of a grump on, the missus says "oh you got the hump again," no I haven't got the 'hump' it's just that I ain't feeling too well.
I am so fed up with my life, the awful pain in my legs every day, the headaches, the memory loss, which seems to be getting slowly worse, the prostate problems, the twitching of my left arm when I try to do stuff, the left side was affected by my stroke, my eyes slowly getting worse, being diagnosed as profoundly deaf and finally the 'time loss periods' I suffer with. I often think, almost every day, that I would be better off dead and I feel that, if not dead, I would be better off not being here, I am sure that my family would appreciate the fact of me not being around anymore.