23rd June 2014

The weekend has past, it was a real bad time for me.

On Monday last week I went to see my care co-ordinator, since my stroke I have short term memory loss, I totally forgot what I was going to say. as I said in my last entry, (I had to check my last entry as I forgot what I wrote,) it played on my mind so much, it made me really feel annoyed and angry for ages. 
As I was feeling so bad you can imagine what was happening at night, damn nightmares again also some real weird dreams. Then there were the dark thoughts, suicide, self harm, I so wanted to go down that road again, I found it so hard to battle those feelings, I wanted to end things one moment, then there was the self harming, when I done it last time I surprised everyone, even the doctors. They told me that they had never heard of anyone of my age self harming, but it made me feel good, it took away all the dark thoughts I was having at the time. I was going to work with blood dripping off my fingers. I used a scalpel to cut myself, at the time I didn't even realize at the time what I was doing, I just wanted to feel that feeling again.
My eldest daughter still ain't contacted me, not a text, not a card for father's day, nothing, It hurts so much. After all I have done for her and she treats me like this. Well that's it, I ain't going to worry about her anymore, easier said than done though.     

I never spoke to my wife for the whole of this past weekend unless I really had to. I felt she had disrespected me on Friday, she was babysitting our grandchildren, she told me she would be home as soon as my daughter got home, she didn't do that and was late, getting home at 8pm. Somehow it just got to me, it made me feel like she didn't care, that she didn't want me around, I felt awful. 
Now I am feeling like hitting the streets, just walking out and not coming back, go to sleep on a railway track somewhere.

The battle is going on inside of me