11th June 2014

Had a damn awful night last night, bloody nightmares, I hate them, so vivid, so believable that I feel the pain. People, I think, feel I am living too much in the past, but I ask this, 'would you be able to stop these feelings I feel every day of my life, the pain I feel even though nothing or no one is there to inflict it, the flashbacks that are so real it feels like I am there reliving the very moments I am seeing, the nightmares, again so real, it feels like I am there all over again, reliving the beatings with a walking stick, a broom handle, coat hangers, fists, work boots and anything else that was close to hand and 'just for the fun of it' my fathers' words, not mine, he even stabbed me.

Then there was the sexual abuse, I was forced to do things to my so-called father, the man who was supposed to be there to protect me, not to do these things that I am still feeling today. In those days nothing was done to help children like there is today, he was reported to the NSPCC by a neighbour who suspected something was going on, when they arrived they just told him to go out more and not to worry about the report. I still hear him laughing as they walked back to their car. 

No one cared, teachers, the NSPCC, people around me, no one at all, until I done something to get out of that hell, I got into trouble with the police, when I told them why I done what I did, they immediately put me into protective care till I was eighteen, I still had to answer for what I done, but it was great in care, I started to live a little, I started to have fun for the first time in my life with other kids, that was something else I never was allowed to have, friends, no wonder I don't know how to make friends, even now, and I am 57.

Writing this has made me feel a little better, but it will never end so don't judge me. Here's a poem I wrote several years ago in one of those dark times I often have, I wrote so much about life, a life of hatred and pain, anyway please read this with an open heart and I hope if any of you have kids, maybe, just maybe, you might think twice before you smack them for something, or if you want to shout and scream at someone, please don't, it can have some serious consequences .....

 There's to much to deal,

With all the pain inside,

All the suffering to feel.

Like a cut smiling wide.

Slap after slap,

Kick after kick,

I take all the abuse

Though it makes me sick.

Nobody would care,

How my life should fare,

Never be hast

On a life to waste.

I deal with the torture,

Like an abused creature

Blood red as cherries,

Obscures my every feature.

God help me, Dear Jesus,

Please make it end

It hurts me too much

This father I cannot fend.

I think to myself,

"When will it end,

When shall it be over,

God please tell me when."

A knife flashes through my skin,

Laughing in my face,

It's my death he hopes to win

But I struggle just in case.

I know I've had enough,

As the scarlet blood drips,

From every cut on my body,

I taste it on my lips.

I do not scream, nor wince, or yell,

I feel the agony like flames of hell,

I'll never show a sign of fear

Though I can feel death is near.

Death is coming near,

I have nothing to fear,

Nothing to be afraid of,

Now death is here.

This is for all the abused children in the world, past and present, I was lucky many are not.