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Thursday

24th April 2014

Watching Eastenders earlier on television, I got a little upset, I don't know why but I did. I went to the kitchen to sort out my delivery of my medication, as I sorted it, I started to think about my mother, I still blame myself for her death as it was me that talked her into having the bypass operation that killed her. Then I got those texts calling me a murderer from my mothers' phone, maybe I am, that thought has stayed with me since she died on December 16th 2004, when the operation I talked her into having, to help her feel better, went wrong and killed her. I know that the operation went wrong, maybe something made it go wrong to teach me a lesson, they say you cannot escape karma, maybe I done something so wrong that I am being paid back for it, all in one go, with everything that has happened to me. 
After I done my medication, I started the washing up, when the wife came out and asked me what was wrong, or should I say she shouted at me, so I told her, I said, "I killed my mother, didn't I?" she wasn't too pleased to say the least.
I thought I was over this, I thought I was on the road to recovery, obviously I was wrong.
I am beginning to wonder if I will ever get over this PTSD, there is never an answer to this, I am told it could be years, or maybe even never. It is times like these that I begin to wonder if life is worth living? Can I put up with these thoughts? Can those thoughts ever be suppressed so I don't have them anymore? No-one can give me any truthful answers, I still have the nightmares, I still have flashbacks, 
Can I take much more of this crap? To be honest I really don't know.