9th March 2014
Today looking outside, the sun is shining, not a cloud in the sky. I was out of bed at 6:15am, life ain't been too bad for the last few days, except for a couple of stupid thoughts about suicide, I wish I could stop them, but I can't, I even had some thoughts about self harm again.
I am building a replica of the H.M.S. Victory, it has taken me two years so far and I am getting close to completion, this is my distraction, this has kept me going for the last couple of years, I do have another to do, the H.M.S. Sovereign, but I doubt if I will be allowed to do it for a while 'cause my better half has lost her job and doing something like this does take up a lot of space.
I have been thinking about my past a lot lately and I have been going through my diary .......
23rd July 2011
It's been two weeks now since left me alone, it has been so horrible to be alone with nothing to do, The internet has been taken off, the phone is off, I have tried, without success to get a job where I can feel comfortable, I am alone with my thoughts, at one point I felt as if I had gone back in time, am I mad? Well to be honest I don't know, if I did know maybe I would be sane. My life is crap, today I am having the last of the food that is in the cupboard, I feel that doesn't want me anymore, that is why she is staying away, maybe I am right, or maybe I am wrong, I really don't know, but I do know that I feel that she is laughing at me now, laughing at the fact she is stringing me along, laughing that I am here alone and she is down her mothers with her family, most probably going out enjoying herself because I am not around, she says she loves me but I don't think so, not anymore, if she did she would be home by now.
What am I going to do? I know what I want to do and that is have my last meal in peace, have a glass of wine or even a large vodka to wash it down, it will be my last meal because I am going to take all my medication and put in my food, I have seen it on television and it seems a good idea. No more worrying, no more looking outside and seeing life passing by leaving me behind, no more worrying if loves me or not, no more worrying about the bills I haven't paid, I will have eternal peace, I know that there is a God now, I saw Him last night in my dreams, he spoke to me, saying “I am waiting for you, come join me,” if he is waiting for me then I have to go don't I?
Also the end of July is the anniversary of my father's death, the bastard died a slow and painful death, proof that God does exist, my mother always said that God pays debts without money and now I see it for real, I don't just say it, she was telling the truth, I have tried so many times to end my life, without success, even my father couldn't kill me, he stabbed me, he tried to drown me, he even tried to poison me, but failed miserably every time, I laugh at that fact even now, maybe being alone and knowing now that no one cares will make it easier to give up on my miserable life, maybe being alone will work this time, I can't take anymore of feeling the walls closing in on me every night when I go to bed, I can't take anymore of the feeling of everyone laughing at me being alone here, I can't take anymore of the feeling of hopelessness, I can't take anymore of the feeling of being useless, it is about time I gave up and done something about it, but even writing this is scaring me, my feelings are strong enough to do this, yes, but now I am wondering about my children and my grandchildren, I don't think that they are strong enough to accept the way I feel, I don't think that are strong enough to see through the fact of me feeling like this to actually forgive me if I done what I want to do, am I being selfish if I go ahead? Yes I think I am, but how do I get these feelings out of my head? How am I supposed to survive? If I want to sign on to get any money, all can say is, “You better find yourself another address because you can't put this address down,” I know I can't but isn't she being selfish there? Yes I do believe so, and it's all the other things she says, they are all about her, and it is all the time and guess what? I always give in to her, always without any fight, I listen to her go on and on about all the little things that annoy her that I do, like the ironing, I do it wrong for her,, the washing, I do that wrong, I don't make the bed properly because I don’t put her damn teddy’s on the bed, I don't do the hoovering properly, I don't do the washing up properly, the strainer on the sink has to be in a certain way, the tea, coffee and sugar canisters have to be just so, if I move something it is a big problem, she should get some help with her problem but she won't as usual, I have to put up with it.
I think I am cracking up at times, my life has gone from great to absolute crap in nine months, can I take much more? No I don't think so, I have had it, I have had enough of life, when I feel the time is right which I know will be soon then That will be the end, but the time is not now, not at this moment in time, I know it will be soon and when it comes I will know.
I read this passage from my diary and realize how bad I did get at times, maybe things were bad back then and things are better now, but I do realize that I could go back there if I am not careful and I could end up back in hospital at any time.