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Thursday

20th February 2014

Today is not a good day, last night the nightmares returned once again. I am 56 years old now and yet that man is still haunting me. I was a kid when he abused me, and yet the nightmares continue. People say I should move on or I shouldn't live in the past. These people really should walk a mile in my shoes and see what I see or what I feel.
Got my daughter and my grandchildren visiting today, normally, they make me feel so much better, but not today. Yes I am smiling, yes I am playing with them as much as I can, being so restricted by the non-use of my arm and leg because of the stroke I suffered. 

27th February 2014

Last night was another bad night, damn nightmares, I hate them so much. How come I just can't get a handle on this PTSD and beat it. One day I think, I am finally getting there and then bam I feel like I have had a hammer hit me over the head, because there is all that crap back in my head.
I still have those stupid thoughts of suicide, it would be so easy to give in to them, maybe one day I just might, I have done so before. 
People, even family, don't understand PTSD, unless they've actually experienced it. I was told when I was first diagnosed, that the mind is like a bottle, it slowly fills up with all the bad things, you learn to control it, but then something happens to you and the bottle overflows, that is PTSD, you lose control of your life, your feelings, everything that is 'normal.' 
I was a London bus driver for a total of twenty five years, in those 25 years I also worked for National Express, a coach company. When I first started the job was fun, as much as a job could be, people used to give me birthday presents and Christmas presents, they even knew me by my first name and people used to talk to you. Nowadays all you get is abuse and attacked. I was attacked that is why I have PTSD it was the final straw for me after a lifetime of beatings, every type of abuse and I do mean every type from the person who was supposed to be my father as a kid. The bullying at school, then the abuse from so called work mates and on the buses, also being called a murderer after giving permission for my mothers life support to be turned on after a heart bypass operation went wrong, so much crap to be put up with and I am suffering for it now.   
People associate PTSD with the military, but no, anyone can get it if enough bad things happens to them.