27th March 2014

It has been a few days since I last wrote here. Yesterday I had to go for some blood tests to out if my kidneys, liver and cholesterol were doing, also one for diabetes. I am also going to have some tests for vascular dementia as I am having a lot of symptoms to suggest that I may have this.

I will be gaining another year in three days times, jeez I am getting old, but as least I still have my hair and most of my teeth.

Things are still quite rough at the moment, I am still having trouble walking, and my legs and feet are are still swollen, I feel like getting a saw and chopping them off at times.

I thought I would add some poetry that I have wrote over the last six years, though I have to add that since I wrote to first one, some of my family (brothers and sister) have been in touch with me and we are fine now .....

 16^th December 2009

Why do I still feel so angry?

Why do I still feel so sad?

Why is my heart still breaking?

Why do I still feel so bad?

My mother died five years ago today,

How I wish she did stay,

I watched her die on that fateful day,

I wish I could join her, on this Earth I don't want to stay.

Maybe my father was right,

Maybe I should never fight,

He tried to end my life more than once,

Then I wouldn't feel this strife.

I really hate this time of year called Christmas,

Everything bad always happens to me,

I can't be happy, all I do is cry,

What have I done that is so wrong, all I want to do is die.

This life I really want to leave,

The pain I feel hurts so much,

I want to end my life right now, right away,

To feel my mother's love that I cannot touch.

I was accused of her murder,

What I done was right,

I wasn't allowed to go to her funeral,

This I received by text the same night.

I sit on my chair,

A blade against my arm,

How can I do this?

How can I do myself harm?

I just want the pain I feel to stop,

I want the guilt to go away,

My family has turned against me,

Five years to the day.

I sit here alone and sad,

No one around me to talk or care,

The silence is unbearable,

Maybe I should be elsewhere.

I don't want to go on in this life,

I really am a fool,

I watch as the blood flows,

                     Goodbye cruel world I really did love you though you made me feel small.                                           

~~xXx~~

I feel alone in this world, no one understands me,

I’m on the edge, I’m about to jump, can’t anyone see?

I’m invisible to this world, and everyone in it,

All I am is a tiny little speck on a big huge planet,

My only friend in this world is the darkness of night,

It’s only here for awhile, but it makes things alright,

My friends and my family have all gone away,

They pretended to help, but they wouldn’t stay,

They said that they’d help me, they said that they’d be there,

But in the end, when I really needed them, they didn’t care,

They told me they’ve tried, but they’ve given up on me now,

They left me alone to figure life out some how,

I don’t trust my self to do what is right,

But then comes darkness again, everything will be alright,

Darkness is not happy, but it’s better than light,

It shows me the truth of my everyday life,

It asks me the question of why I’m still here,

But deep in my heart, the answers not clear,

Why am I still here, when my life is nothing but pain,

The darkness, it tells me, I have nothing to gain,

I don’t know when, but the day will come,

When I leave, and say, goodbye to everyone,

The day will be sad, but it wont last long,

People will go on living as if nothing was wrong,

But nothing was wrong, because i was never really there,

Same as before, all I’ll be is a whisper in the air.

~~xXx~~

There's to much to deal,

With all the pain inside,

All the suffering to feel.

Like a cut smiling wide.

Slap after slap,

Kick after kick,

I take all the abuse

Though it makes me sick.

Nobody would care,

How my life should fare,

Never be hast

On a life to waste.

I deal with the torture,

Like an abused creature

Blood red as cherries,

Obscures my every feature.

God help me, Dear Jesus,

Please make it end

It hurts me too much

This father I cannot fend.

I think to myself,

"When will it end,

When shall it be over,

God please tell me when."

A knife flashes through my skin,

Laughing in my face,

It's my death he hopes to win

But I struggle just in case.

I know I've had enough,

As the scarlet blood drips,

From every cut on my body,

I taste it on my lips.

I do not scream, nor wince, or yell,

I feel the agony like flames of hell,

I'll never show a sign of fear

Though I can feel death is near.

Death is coming near,

I have nothing to fear,

Nothing to be afraid of,

Now death is here.

This is for all the abused children in the world, past and present, I was lucky many are not.

~~xXx~~

When I was still too young to know,
You did to me what things you would.
The pain that I would undergo
Came later, once I understood.

*

You did to me what things you would
While I lay numb and still. The hate
Came later, once I understood
The sorrow that you came to sate.

*

While I lay numb and still, the hate
Arose in you as love, as need.
The sorrow that you came to sate
Then passed between us in your seed.

*

Arose in you as love, as need
To undergo yourself in me,
Then passed between us in your seed,
Became your lasting legacy.

*

To undergo yourself in me,
The damage that you did inside
Became your lasting legacy.
It wasn't over when you died.

~~xXx~~

My life is in my hands,

It runs through my fingers like grains of sand,

Sometimes slowly,

Sometimes fast,

The worst is when I sit and think of the past.

Shall I end it now?

Or shall I carry on?

I hold a knife looking at the blade,

Of death I'm not afraid.

So many times I say good-bye,

So many times I wish I could fly,

Life is precious, this I know,

Alone I am, my pain always grows.

“Should I end it now?” I hear myself ask,

Or should I continue to wear my mask,

I smile, I laugh, I sit and I cry,

My life is no good, it is all just a lie.

 ~~xXx~~

As you can see I went through some real crap and sometimes I was going through some dark places, I am a lot better than I was in those days, I still have my bad days, but as usual I just smile and get on with it, I just wish that 'normal' people would understand more. Life with mental health isn't always someone going out and killing someone, sometimes it's just that a person just needs someone to say you'll be okay, or to give a little love, or even a visit just to say hello, have a cuppa and a natter, it's not difficult for people to make a difference and 99% of people with mental health issues ain't going to kill you.