1st March 2014

Today is supposed to be the first day of spring in the UK. Yeah right, I heard the weather forecast last night and they say that snow is on the way, why is the weather so messed up? Answer, the people in the know say it's all down to global warming, Yeah I understand that, then again they also say the gulf stream has moved and because of this we're getting some really bad storms and they're only going to get worse as the years come and go. This all reminds me of a movie I have seen, the day after tomorrow. When I watched it I said that it could happen in real life.

Anyway another bad night last night, was up at 6am, went to bed at 2:15am, it's now 10:30am and I haven't had a flashback .... yet.

Here's a couple of entries from my diary, reading them makes me wonder why I stayed on that job for so long. I really enjoyed the job ................

14th May 2009

Yesterday I had a real shit day, why are people so bloody minded?? One guy had to make a complaint no matter what, he gets on the back doors with a buggy I ask him to leave and get on the front doors as this is not allowed and he calls me an inconsiderate bastard, I follow the rules unlike some.

Then there was a jaguar in Wimbledon got the hump because I wouldn't let him go first, what the fuck I had right of way.

When I get home yet again no dinner, I am beginning to wonder if ***** actually cares I'll give it another couple of days then I just might reconsider my decision about finishing everything because I am totally pissed off now

I have written to TFL about their rules on buggies and the complaints against me and the marks on my record it is about time to have these removed as it ain't my fault.

I have woke up this morning with a bad headache and feeling so damn angry before I even start work, but I have to go on.

15^th May 2009

Well I will most probably be in trouble for yesterday, why is it that it is always the bus driver's fault? A car decides to cut me up and nearly cause an extremely bad accident but because I followed the car and sounded my horn when I was alongside it, it seems that I am going to get the blame for it even though the passengers laughed.

I was feeling like real crap yesterday even the other drivers and ***** commented on it, sometimes I just can't help the way I feel and I just can't wait for my holidays which are soon.

I am feeling a little better today even though I do have a sore hand after smacking the bus wall again.

I have just written a letter to ******* concerning this matter.

I haven't eaten anything for three days now, I need to lose weight so this is a good way.

16^th May 2009

Had a couple of incidents yesterday, one, a black woman hit the side of the bus as I passed so I saw red and called out “What's your problem bitch?” her face was a picture I can't help but laugh at that. Then there was a kid, he got on and tried to use a pass that wasn't valid and then got off calling me a wanker well if he's big enough to dish it out he's big enough to take it, I got out and fronted him but he was too much of a coward.

No dinner again this is the forth day so much for ******* word, she said last week she would have my dinner ready for when I get in and so far this has not happened at all.

My hand is still sore and it's going brown now, what am I to do? Do I hit a person or the bus? The bus is preferable as I won't lose my job hitting that.

Bad dreams are increasing again I just hope that I don't start taking things out on ******* again because that is something I don't want to do, will she tell me if I do? I will ask her to do it as I really am worried.

So onto another day and it's Saturday busy, busy, busy.

It is Saturday evening and I have just got home, it was quite a good day with no arguments but why is it one moment I am OK the next I feel like crap, sometimes I go to bed at night and dream about all the things that nightmares are made of, I feel like I am on the edge of an abyss looking into a bottomless pit and all I need is a little push to fall into the pit and fall to God knows where, how can I keep going hot and cold, sweaty and clammy, I haven't had a proper meal for four days now, but why should I bother, I don't feel like eating anything, I have a bowl of cereal in the morning and a sandwich for lunch that is enough, I don't need anything else.

Ah well Sunday tomorrow and I am working.

17^th May 2009

I just got up and read the leaflet for my anti depressants and from that I can see that one of the side effects is suicidal thoughts and also lost appetite, now I can see why I am feeling like I am.

I still feel like shit and each day gets worse maybe the thoughts will go away but as I go on they seem to take over at times, even now I want to finish it and I haven't eaten for days now, I just don't feel like it, although I have just had two boiled eggs and now I feel sick but it will pass.

~~~xXx~~~

PTSD is a crap illness, it changes people, it changes their attitude, it changes their personality, it changes everything about the person, it is known as the invisible illness because no-one can see inside you. Outwardly I smile, inwardly I am screaming, outwardly it looks like I may be calm, inwardly I am shaking, sometimes I shake outwardly as well.

There are a lot of, what is known as 'triggers' in life. That is the main problem, these triggers can do things to a person, for example, I was watching a well known hospital programme, there was a young woman on life support, straight away thoughts of my mother came into my head and the day when the doctors turning off her life support, I couldn't get it out of my head for days.

(***** = I have taken a name out)