23 April 2015

Recently, I have been having some real issues. I feel like a total useless idiotic waste of space. When I try to do things, I am total unable to do things and I get so damn angry with myself. I didn't realise having a stroke would make things so difficult for me. 

I haven't worked for eight years now, I need a walking stick to walk anywhere. I still suffer with my complex post traumatic stress, sometimes real bad, but I am a lot better than I was.

8th April 2015

I haven't written here for a while due to having a lot of issues to deal with. Yet again I have been kicked in the teeth by my so-called brother, yes,it was partly my fault, I flew off on one at him because he threatened to kill my sister's horse. He brought it for her and she still owes some money for it but that doesn't give him the right to threaten her. Then while we, my brother and I, were going at each other, she sneakily goes behind my back and makes things up with him. So I apologized  to him and to his fiance, everything was okay, then I get a text saying not to contact him anymore, Jeez, that was something I wasn't expecting. For days after I didn't know whether I was up or down, I wanted so much to end everything, stupid I know, but I helped that brother of mine through so much shit when he was a kid, everyone else turned their backs on him, but not me.

This week I have been alone, the wife and my youngest daughter have gone to Las Palma. I know she deserves a break, she has put up with a lot of crap since I've become ill but I don't remember her ever discussing with me about going, she says she did and my memory is getting worse each week.

One of these days I can see myself forgetting who she is, this is scary for me.

Everything seems to be piling up against me again, will I get through it? I hope so.

TTFN   

24th March 2015

Today I went to Kingston hospital to have my hearing aid fitted, I wanted so much not to go, I just wanted to find somewhere that I could hide from the world that surrounds me. I was shaking so much, I was wondering if the people that was surrounding me could see. I felt sick as I looked around the bus I was travelling on. 

Sometimes I just wish I could curl up in a dark hole somewhere and hide from everyone and everything, but as usual, I have to stick two fingers up to the world and say, "I am here, whether or not you like the fact, I am here and there's nothing you can do about it."

It is so easy to remember the crap that once surrounded me. I wonder sometimes, "am I forced by some invisible force to remember the crap? Or is it my fault that everything that I can remember from my life?" I know I still feel the guilt from my mother's death, I also know that it really wasn't my fault, but, in those quiet moments, like now as I write this, I wonder if I hadn't persuaded her to talk to her doctor about the angina that gave her so much pain every day, if I hadn't got her to ask about having a heart bypass, would she still be here today?So was my sister right when she texted me and called me a murderer? Maybe she was.

I also wonder if, in those days of being a child, did I really deserve the physical abuse I went through from my father? Was it my own fault that when I went to school I was just so useless at everything, I deserved to be called a useless idiot every day by the man that was supposed to be there to help me? 

Did I deserve those beatings I got nearly every day just for the fun of it? Or just because I was useless at everything I done or touched every day? Was it my fault that my so called father raped my mother making me the reason he was forced to marry my mother? Was it my fault that he sexually abused me after my mother left us?

Why is it that I remember everything so clearly now after I have forced myself to forget it all? Was being attacked eight years ago such a big event in my life that, it opened my mind to all this crap that I once suffered and hidden away so successfully for so long? Why does everything haunt me now? It's been so long since everything happened? Is it haunting me now because everything was my fault at the time and I have to find a way to try and pay some sort of recompense in my life?

Since all this crap in my life has come back to try very hard to destroy me, several times it has nearly succeeded, I have begun to rely on my family more and more, I guess I don't deserve their support at times because I have been a real nasty bastard to them most of the time to them, sometimes I have thought about just up and leaving them, I know for a fact that they would all be better off without me, they could have the life they deserve.

Just recently, those thoughts of ending my life have returned once again, I am totally useless since my stroke, yes I can do certain things and yes, I have started doing my ship once more, but I still hate being alone nearly every day to suffer my thoughts.

My wife and youngest daughter have made planned to go on a  holiday for a week soon, I was never asked about how I felt to be left alone for a whole week, I was never asked about how I felt about her going abroad without me for a whole week, she is just going and that is that.

That is enough for now, I will end this by saying, as a kid, I felt everything was my fault, even my very existence was my own fault and I still think that everything that happened to me back then was my own fault, as the old saying goes what goes around comes around, so there must have been something I had done  that, even though I have no memory of that, I am, even to this day being punished for everything 

TTFN    

   

3rd March 2015

Today my stuff came for me to have a shower. A shower board, a leg lifter and a sponge for cleaning my back. I thought I'd have a bath instead of a shower, I haven't had either since November last year, been having strip washes instead. I sat on the board, eased myself forward, lifted myself off the board then bang, I slipped and fell into the bath, water went everywhere, up the wall, across the floor, I was a total prat, I should have listened to my wife, she said for me not to do it, but I am too stubborn to listen to her at times. 

After she cleaned up all the water I carried on with my bath, it was so nice to finally have a damn bath but I was annoyed with myself because of my stupidity. 

Then came the time to get out, big mistake, I was stuck. I moved forward so my wife could put the shower board behind me, no chance.

We let all the water out and I finally got out when my wife got a chair that I could lean on as she sat on it. I managed to turn myself round and lifted my knee which hurt so much, I lifted myself out the bath, I got so annoyed with myself, my emotions took over and I started to cry. 

I wonder at times why I am so damn stubborn and not listen to people, why I can't just accept that my arm and leg are not going to get any better and why can't I just accept the fact that I am totally useless and won't have the same use of my arm and leg ever again.

My life, as it is now, is totally fucked up and now I just have to put up with the fact of being useless until I pop my clogs.

21st February 2015

Went to hospital yesterday for a check up, it's been a while since my last one. I must have looked a right mess, I hadn't shaved for a week, my hair was greasy, horrible, but, life gets like that for me sometimes, I just can't be bothered to look after myself, that's the depression and the PTSD kicking my butt. The check up itself lasted an hour, Dr Earl was really good, he sat and listened to me and no-one else was there interrupting, which made a real nice change. We talked about what I had been going through, I told him of all the crap that had been going on, the nightmares and flashbacks that have started over again, the bad thoughts of suicide which are getting stronger each day, but I am fighting them and I am determined not to give in to them, reason? I got too many people who'd I'd let down if I did.

I have a lady  coming round on Tuesday from occupational therapy to sort out things to see if I can qualify for a proper shower, I haven't had a bath or shower for four months, I just can't get into the bath, I can't lift my left leg high enough after my stroke. Occupational therapy took away the bath seat I used last November, seemed fine at the time, but hey ho.

I have, at last, sorted out the problems with my eldest daughter. It turns out I was in the wrong it seems, sometimes I just can't seem to listen right, I get uptight and my tinnitus goes sky high and I just don't hear things properly, anyway, I have sorted it out and everything is good. As is the problem with my youngest daughter also, I love them both and it brought me round when my youngest shouted at me, I guess it was what I needed.

It's getting quite late so till next time, 

TTFN   

11th February 2015

I have no real reason to carry on now, but I am going to try and keep going. It's been over a year since my eldest daughter spoke to me, I have had no contact whatsoever with her, except for a sarcastic text, reason? She accused me of accusing her of being an unfit mother after I proved she lied to me. Now my youngest daughter has decided that she is no longer going to be talking to me and I am not going to see my grandchildren anymore after I tried to joke around with her, she flew off in a huge temper tantrum at me, I really don't know why. She swore at me, and as she walked out the front door she told me to f*** off. I really don't know what I done wrong. She was shouting at me saying everything was about me, I really don't don't know why. This has really upset me so much today.

Both of my daughters and my wife, I feel, think that my PTSD along with everything else is better now, why? Because I am not so bad now. my wife, on many occasions has accused me of putting things on, I really am not putting stuff on, she's even accused me of putting my stroke on, ridiculous, how can I put the symptoms of a stroke on? Why are my family treating me like this? I really would like to know.

I was looking at tents and sleeping bags earlier, thinking of leaving home and going on the road, I've done it before when I was young, I am sure I could do it again, even though I only have one fully functioning arm and leg, it would be better than being around people, any people at the moment, I want to be alone, I don't want to be near anyone.

I will stay at home for now as I have an appointment with my doctor at the hospital on the 20th February. Then in the first week of April, my wife and youngest daughter have decided to go on holiday in Palma for a week, I wasn't asked about it, I was just told about it and told I wouldn't be able to go anyway because of the problems with my legs and feet, I guess I will just have to believe that.

I didn't get much sleep last night, so much going in my head, everything seems to want me to head in one direction, but, for now, that isn't going to happen, but I don't know for how long, maybe it's the right direction but at a later date.

TTFN

     

2nd February 2015

February already. As I get older it seems the months go quicker, it's my birthday next month and I'll be 58 years old. Jeez I am so old, I'll soon be 60, what a horrible thought?  

I've been given even more tablets to take to try and do something with this swelling of my feet and legs, I woke up yesterday in so much pain, it was almost impossible to bear, the veins in my calf on my right leg were pushing out just below the knee joint, then after taking the meds and getting up to go downstairs, the veins reduced but the pain persisted nearly all day.

The past few weeks have been hell for me personally, back to the bad nights, the nightmares are back with a vengeance, the thoughts of suicide are back, but, I can fight those mostly, I just think of my family, that helps a lot, especially my little 'guardian angel,' my eldest grand daughter, I just focus on her and her smiley face, it works every time , well almost.

I did get fed up with my wife a little while ago, she has said so many times that I should have got better by now, I just wish it was that easy, it's not like a broken leg, you break it, you get it fixed, you wait a few weeks and it's all better.

I have started doing my ship again, though I am finding it difficult as I still have weakness in my left hand and arm, but it's a distraction and I really do need that distraction big time right now.

TTFN