Monday
17th August 2015
I have just noticed my blog is getting to once a month now, I don't know how this has happened, maybe it's because I haven't been feeling too good this past month.I keep meaning to make a doctors appointment, but, I just hate using the phone to make calls, part of my life I guess.
Just recently, I have been bursting out crying for no reason, it is so annoying as well, life is such shit when things like that happen. My damn feet are still bloody painful; strange thing is though, a hole appeared on my left shin and this clear fluid started to leak out, I was a little concerned, the missus kept on about going to the doctor as usual, she means well and I love her to bits, but sometimes I just wish she'd shut up.
I have also been falling asleep during the day,I don't know I've even fallen asleep until I wake up, quite funny really, well I think it is.
I was checking up online a few days ago and I found out that cptsd is worse than ordinary ptsd, that amazed me when you think that the military go through so much now and I've gone through so much years ago and I am worse off than them. Yet looking on Facebook I did not find one group dealing with cptsd, so I've opened a group myself, I'm looking for members if anyone is interested.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/complexposttraumaticstress/
My daughter came to see me last week, and she bought me a couple of tiny angels and a couple silver sharks, ain't she sweet, they look so tiny against my full grown angels, it looks so strange seeing it.
I haven't been back to Fircroft at all, my agoraphobia has got bad again, but on a plus side I've managed to make myself ask for help this time, I have contacted a charity called Hestia and I have been put under the care of a small Nigerian lady called Rita. We are going to look like little and large walking down the street, when I actually do so that is.
I have got some humble pie to eat as well. Not good. I had a go at my nephews and nieces on Facebook, I thought they were extracting the urine (taking the piss) out of my missus, I was having a really bad time and found them making out they were going on a family holiday and didn't include my missus. Jeez, I hit the roof, they tried to explain, but me being me, I didn't listen, (or see it either) so I got some apologizing to do suppose I'd better get on with it soon ain't I? While I am in a reasonably good mood. Anyway that is it for now, I'm gonna try and make an appointment to see my doctor soon but hey ho we'll have to wait and see
TNT
TTFN
Thursday
30th July 2015
I finally done it, I went out alone and it was for four hours. I even amazed myself, yes, it was difficult at first, the sweat was pouring off me and the shakes? Jeez I thought everyone could see me shaking, but by lunch time, I was okay, I even played a game of pool, I lost, but what the hell, I really enjoyed it. Oh I forgot to mention, I went to the day centre owned by Fircroft trust, it's a charity that is for the use of vulnerable people. I knew I would not go if I tried on my own, but, as before, I went via dial a ride.
Next Wednesday I've got a couple of ladies coming to see me to discuss how they could help me get over this agoraphobia, they work for another charity called Hestia. I am beginning to see a light at the end of a very dark and long tunnel, I have even made an appointment with a local gym, I got the missus coming with me as well.
I am going to beat this crap that I have been going through, I am determined to get through this, I have to say I am stubborn enough, so everything is in place for a long and bloody fight.
TTFN
Wednesday
15th July 2015
I've just noticed that I haven't wrote on here for nearly a month, reason being, that between the end of June and the end of July it's the anniversary of my so-called fathers death. The memories of what he done have come flooding back into my life. It is so difficult to understand how a man that I haven't seen or spoke to since I was thirteen can rule my life now, I just can't handle it.
I wish I could just block everything out, like I did before, but I don't know how I done it, I suppose being a kid when the crap happened made it easier to do then.
I have tried to go to the Fircroft trust again but I just can't seem to get all the crap out of my head to make a concerted effort to walk through the front door.
I am feeling so bad of late, my thoughts of suicide are growing stronger as each day passes, but I just can't bring myself to do anything, maybe I scared myself so much last time, with the fact of dying and the way my family was so shocked that I actually followed through with what I was going to do, that I have become a coward there as well.
I got a letter which is a copy that Dr Earl, my psychiatrist, sends to my GP. It has been bad of late, I am getting so lonely. I seem to be on my own nearly every day, for hours at a time. My only companion being my laptop. I try to talk to Margaret, my partner, about it, but she just shrugs it off with excuses. WE were invited to a wedding this coming weekend, but I don't get any help from her to get anything or to do anything else. It's like she's given up on me, all she says, well you weren't going to come anyway so why should I help you? I wanted to go to the wedding but no longer. I'll just spend another day indoors alone.
They say that loneliness can be a killer, I say the sooner the better. What with the flashbacks, nightmares and loneliness, my life is a living hell at the moment. Can I beat it this time? I don't know.
TTFN
Monday
22nd June 2015
The last posting was how I was feeling, but I am still here. Some would say worse luck, I know, even I would say it, I have gone through some real crap lately. I went and saw my psychiatrist a few days ago. I printed off the page dated 29th May, he read it and said 'he was confused, because the time we last met everything seemed good,' yes it did, it was fine, but it's not fine now. he kept asking asking questions, I felt like he was invading me somehow, I couldn't handle it too well. Then came the end of my appointment, I normally have a hour with him, but now I got half hour, I felt he couldn't get rid of me quick enough, I had so much to say but couldn't.
Today I went to a place which is run by a charity called 'The fircroft trust.' I have been registered with them three times now, but I couldn't go or should I say I didn't want to go if the truth be known. I I was amazed once there, I decided to get a firm called dial a ride to take me there, because I knew if I went by public transport, I wouldn't go. Dial a ride picks you up from your front door and takes you where ever you want within the London area (except hospitals strange that) then pick you up and take you home, it's for the elderly, disabled and anyone who just can't get about. I had a fantastic driver as well.
Walking into the house where this charity is based, I was met by the lady who runs the the house. We had a talk and she showed my around, they do so much, I have wondered since I got home why I didn't go before, but the answer really is down to the cptsd and agoraphobia I guess. Among all the other crap in my head, but today I made it and I am so glad I did.
I am going to go again next week and maybe have a couple of games of snooker or pool, watch out everyone there, the hustler has arrived hahaha
TTFN
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