26th October 2016

Hi all, yet again it's been a few weeks since I last wrote here. I have been so rough most of the time, it took most of my strength just to keep myself smiling and not letting on, yes, I did slip several times and snapped at the missus, but, most of the time I was okay.

Ended up in hospital again with sepsis, only for a couple of days, maybe next time those little bugs that cause the sepsis might do a better job.

My memory seems to be getting slowly worse, a few days ago I wondered where I was for a few seconds, but I soon came around and realised where I was. Then theres the pains I keep getting in my head, jeez, sometimes it bloody well hurts, it don't last very long, I can cope with that. 

The missus is staying out more often and for longer and longer, just goes to show, no-one really gives a shit how I'm feeling, they all say they do, words are cheap though.

There is so much more I want to write but I get so tired all the time, I even fall asleep without realising nowadays.

Corrie is on the box so I got to go, an old man has to watch his soaps don't he??

TTFN

25th August 2016

Was it really April that I last wrote on here, that's unbelievable, it's gone so quick and Christmas is just around the corner,

My cellulitis did go away for a short while, but it has reared it's ugly head again a couple of weeks ago. I suppose I knew it would, I was warned by the doctor. I have got an appointment at St Georges being arranged for me to see a Professor Mortimer about the damage done to the skin done by the cellulitis. I got some cream to put on my leg for the time being and some sort of soap to wash my leg with, because conventual soap drives the cellulitis crazy with itching.

I often wonder why me? I'm not a nasty person, yes I was in my teens and early twenties. Like all guys I just got in with the wrong crowd, it was fun though. 

I saw Dr Earl for the last time a few days ago, I broke down in tears when he very cleverly got me to talk about my father, I couldn't stop saying sorry for this, he asked me why I felt that I had to apologise for crying. So I told him, my father used to beat the crap out of me and if I cried he used to say it was a sign of weakness to show emotion, a man never cries. Even when I saw my mother die when the doctors turned of her life support, I didn't cry. I held it back till I  was alone, "a man never cries, it's a sign of weakness"

I will be 60 next birthday, I would just love to be back to normal by then, I doubt it though, but is there such a thing as normal? I wonder sometimes.

I've been thinking a lot about my life lately, I still have those stupid thoughts of suicide, but not so frequently, which I suppose that's a good thing. I still have flashbacks, I had 3 in a matter of minutes of each other. Why? it's stupid really, maybe it was because I was seeing Dr Earl for the last time, I will be seeing a Doctor Khan for my next appointment, a lady doctor. I wonder were that will lead, if it'll help or not.

I had my daughter and three grandchildren come down to stay for a week, haven't seen them in ages, it must be at least a couple of years if not more. The grandchildren have grown so much, the eldest has started senior school now, jeez makes me feel so old.

Oh well that's it, hopefully it won't be so long till next time 

TTFN

Saturday 23rd April 2016

I have been running back and forth every day to the hospital for an injection of antibiotics for nearly three weeks, then they had a wonderful idea of bringing in a dermatologist. They gave me a small tube of cream to rub into my leg and said good bye to me.

The skin on the infected right leg was so dry, it was to be enough to last four weeks, twice a day. It lasted just about four days, twice a day. My leg has grown to about twice the normal size in diameter. The cream was great for clearing the dry skin, but as for the cellulitis, that has grown with a vengeance and the pain has grown with it as well. Yesterday, I phoned the hospital and spoke to the department that was giving me the injections, I told them that my leg was worse and was about the same as the first day I was taken in by ambulance, the reply was you'll have to go to your GP and get referred to the hospital, it made me feel like I had been patted on the head like a little dog and sent on my way.

Luckily I spoke to the GP's a couple and I've got an emergency appointment on Monday 25th, normally I would have to wait a month or so to see my GP, it's amazing the amount waiting I have to do there nowadays, I've been a patient there for around 28 years and it has slowly got harder & harder to get an appointment and virtually impossible to get an appointment on the same day.

TTFN

       

12th April 2016

Yet again it has been so long since I wrote here, reason? I have been so busy with real life things. 

I spent a spell in hospital in mid march with sepsis and a possible blood clot or cellulitis in my right leg. The sepsis was got rid of quite quickly, but the other thing, which still in question, has had me running back and forth from the hospital for anti biotic  injection every day, it certainly makes things easier with my agoraphobia, I now have three places on my list that I can go to without any problems. 

The end of this week, 15/4, I have to go for yet another scan to see if they can get a clear image to see if I have a clot in my leg or not, the last one was a failure because of the amount of fluid in my leg, it's so swollen and painful. I have surprised myself, a stroke on my left side and this other crap in my right leg, how the hell do I walk? Very slowly hobble or waddle I must look a right sight when people see me.

Oh well I got so much else to put here but my head is all of fluster tonight.

TTFN   

Seven tips for safer mobile phone charging - Saga

Seven tips for safer mobile phone charging - Saga

21st January 2016

        Another year has started and has anything changed? No, nothing has changed. I was going to write here at the beginning of the year, around the first, but circumstances forbade it. 

        I have wondered why so many people associate complex post traumatic stress disorder with the military, even ordinary post traumatic stress disorder, which I can understand. The Americans seem to have taken over this area of illness, as usual. There is so much help online for PTSD, and the help is always pointed towards the military, but, I suffer with the rarer CPTSD, not many people understand this side and the reasons that I suffer with it

        I was beaten every day with fists, belts, boots, a walking stick and many other weapons, whatever he had to hand at the time. I was sexually abused, I was verbally abused and mentally abused nearly every day. 

       There was a christmas where I was given a scalextric set, it was a magnificent layout, I was over the moon, I possessed it for exactly three weeks, then he sold it so he could get a drink.

       I caught him in bed with my girlfriend, she was twelve, so was I, he was forty. I have been putting 'he' and that is for my father, the person that is supposed to protect and nurture a son. I hated him so much when he was alive and I still hate him. He stabbed me and tried to kill me several times. 

      My mother told me that I was the result of him raping my her. A few years back when my mother died, after an operation went wrong, I got texts calling me a murderer. I had spent two years pushing my mother into having a heart bypass, because she suffered from angina. I found out not too long ago it was one of my sisters that sent those texts.

       So CPTSD & PTSD isn't only felt by the military, although I have the greatest respect for all the guys that risk their lives every day, whichever country they come from. It can affect anyone, for whatever reason, those people that do suffer, I just wish that the people around understood the the way I felt and realised that I am suffering every day. 

        TTFN      

Very funny reflected babies dancing| Funniest superb baby boys skating |...

9th December 2015

Nearly the end of another year, what has been achieved by me? Nothing at all, except I have have had all my family turn against me, on my  missus side, her sister and her two daughters and son, I guess I deserve it, there is only a certain amount people can take. Mental health, in particular, cpstd is still so misunderstood, even my own brothers and sisters have shoved me out again.

My memory is still going, slowly, oh well, I was warned at the hospital that it would do. The pain is still there every day. Here I go moaning again, so I'll shut up, for a change I know.

The 16th December is approaching, the anniversary of my mum's death, I can feel myself dropping into the pit of depression again, I can feel myself clawing at the walls of the pit, but losing with every day that passes, it's an awful feeling.

I doubt I will be writing here anymore till the new year, if I'm still alive.

TTFN   

Robin Tilbrook: SPEECH TO Europe of Nations and Freedoms CONFERENC...

Robin Tilbrook: SPEECH TO Europe of Nations and Freedoms CONFERENC...: SPEECH TO ENF CONFERENCE, 4TH DECEMBER 2015 Ladies and Gentlemen when Charles de Gaulle gave his famous “NON!” reply to the British Gov...

23rd November 2015

I watched a tv program called hollyoaks yesterday, for those that don't know it, it is a well known soap series here in the UK. It has had a story line about sexual abuse for the last few weeks and it has been well acted, I do have to say, but yesterday, it all came to a head when the pervert was revealed. I watched most of it, but, as it progressed I started to get upset. As I was a victim of sexual abuse as a child by my 'father.' I went into one of my 'time loss phases' this is where I blank everything out, It's like I am on 'auto-pilot' I do and say stuff like normal but have no recollection of what I do or say, I've told my doctors about this and they say it's all part of my cptsd, it's a scary part of it I must admit. I finally came out of this 'time loss phase' and found myself in the kitchen with a carving knife in my hand against my throat and tears streaming down my face.

 It's good to have a blog to write because you can write whatever you like, I hate this part of my life, where sometimes I am fine and yet an hour later I just cannot do anything because I just cannot be bothered. Like what happened yesterday. The missus asked what was wrong, I told her, she replied, "well, you were alright a minute ago," yeah, that is all it takes, a minute, one little trigger to change a person from being happy, to having tears streaming down his face. Yet she don't understand this, I have been like it for years and she just can't see it, or she can and don't give a damn, which is more like it.

I have found out that no-one really understands cptsd so why can't these professional counsellors bring together people like me and actually talk to us, instead of being so cold hearted when we do go and see them? All I ever get from my psychiatrist is question after question after question, and he is a consultant psychiatrist, which, as far as I know, is the best you can get. 

I said to him months ago that I would like to talk about the times I was sexually abused, I have never spoke to anyone about it. I tried a couple of years ago with CBT, but it contributed to my stroke, my blood pressure flew through the roof, my heart rate reached 200 beats a minute in hospital, how the hell did I survive?

 I have received a few threats on Facebook lately, I really don't give a damn about them, two were saying that they were going to do me in, I say bring it on, I won't even defend myself, I would just love whoever it is to carry their threat out, I am not joking either, it would let me rest and get away from this pain I am in every day. It has to be someone I know though because they said they knew that I was disabled and called me a cripple, nice one :) I love it when people are just cowards and can't say anything to my face, I have always told people to their faces what I think, even when they don't like what I have to say. That brings me on to another threat I received on Facebook. It was from my missus step brother. I had a go at his mum, she leaves my missus's father, who has had two triple bypasses and cannot straighten his arms out because he is riddled with rheumatism, he can hardly walk either. Anyway she is supposed to be his carer and look after him but she goes to Australia and leaves the poor old sod on his own for a week or two at a time. I know how it feels to be left alone every day but, a week or two must be awful. Her lovely mummy's boy son, had a go by sending me a message on Facebook, another coward, but this one is still tied to his mummy's apron strings and lives at home ;) I say to him "bring it on mummy's boy"

Anyway TTFN

Take care and stay safe     

   

They're Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa! Napoleon XIV

Robin Tilbrook: Are we heading for defeat in the war against Islam...

Robin Tilbrook: Are we heading for defeat in the war against Islam...: Are we heading for defeat in the war against Islamism? The Ancient Chinese Philosopher of Conflict, Sun Tzu, was the author of a famo...

16th November 2015

Well, silence is golden, as the song goes. I have realised that my life is just a waste of time. I  have wasted 33 years of my life staying with a women that so obviously doesn't give a shit about about me. Yes, she occasionally she looks after me since my strokes but, I have a feeling that she thinks of this as a chore that she feels that she has to do as I pay for things she needs and as a necessarily need for being with me for so long.

I want to end things, including my life, but I haven't got the guts anymore. Maybe that what a coward feels like when he/she cannot do stuff because he or she is so scared of the consequences. That is what I feel like. I have everything I need to end my life, but I am too scared, reason? Because last time I tried, it scared the crap out of me. The hallucinations were horrendous while I was in the ambulance going to hospital. I did die at some point, but, the hospital staff brought me back, I have to add there is no big bright light or angels flying around. I've always said there is nothing out there and that proved me right. 

I have always said also there is no such thing as a God. I have been proven right there as well. Just goes to show show that all these people that believe in a greater existence are just a big bunch of gullible idiots that have had things drilled into their heads from their childhood and they know no different and it's just a money spinning scam.

I might as well just keep going in this awful existence that I live, if you can call it living, until such time that my body just gives up and I go to sleep forever. If I help myself along the way then that is up to me. My doctors are great and I can talk to them, which helps a lot Last time I saw Dr Edwards I broke down in tears, he was his caring self as usual, but words are just words and I have given up on contributing my vocalization on everything from now on.

TTFN       

10th November 2015

I often wonder about people that suffer with complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). Googling has amazed me that, although there are a lot of groups and different organisations helping with post traumatic stress (PTSD). There are few dealing dealing with CPTSD. The word PTSD has mainly been associated with the military, especially in the USA. 

CPTSD, although less known, is worse than PTSD, I have suffered with CPTSD all my life, although I wasn't actually diagnosed properly until 2010. 

There are many more symptoms to CPTSD over PTSD, I am 58 now and I am still suffering from nightmares and flashbacks, although not as frequent as they used to be because of the medications I am on, I hate tablets but it's a matter of what I'd rather have, mainly peace and quiet from all the symptoms or end up back in hospital, so I know which I prefer.

I just wish I was medically trained in a way to help people properly with CPTSD. I have looked into doing some courses into the mental health area and I have actually started doing a degree with a Phd, but half way through, I realised, I am just too old now to actually do anything like that now.

Recently I have been put on a painkiller called Dihydrocodeine, along with my co-dydramol, are killing the pain in my legs and feet and at last I can almost walk properly, although I still have my limp from the stroke. 

I am getting well annoyed with myself lately because of a twitch in my left arm, it seems to have a life of it's own at times.

The memory is slowly getting worse, I looked at my t-shirt this morning and wondered what it was, after a few minutes, it came to me, but then I wondered how I put it on, jeez.

Christmas isn't far away now, I am going to try harder this year, one not to be such a grump and two, to try and enjoy myself. 

I have had the strangest feeling for the last few weeks that I haven't got long before I kick the bucket and end up six feet under, maybe it's wishful thinking sometimes, or it's because of all the crazy thoughts of suicide that has been going through my head lately.

Back to the painkillers, these new one I have are very addictive and the other ones are addictive as well, so I am only taking them when needed, unlike what the label says. I don't want to go down the road of addiction, so easy to do, especially when I am on one of my dark days, which happens more that good days.

Stay safe

TTFN  

Royal Mail supports Stroke Association’s Give a Hand Week

22nd October 2015

I've been wanting to write here for days but, I've been stopping myself, why? Because of crazy thoughts. I've been having these thoughts every day just recently, crazy thoughts of suicide, crazy thoughts of jumping from a bridge onto the A3, I even have the bridge in mind to jump from, it's isolated and far from prying eyes, it's actually a bridleway for horses and a pedestrian bridge, but, rarely used.

I have crazy thoughts of going there, sitting there for hours, waiting for a text or a call that never comes from my missus. Is it crazy? I don't think so.

Other things that have been running through my nut, is to actually go out there and disappear from everyone and everything, the bills, the noise every day, the fact of knowing that everyone around me is normal and then there's me, a lazy good for nothing, useless, idiotic, pain in the butt to everyone, and I mean every one of my family that ain't blood, my missus's sister and her family have all turned their back on me, all my so-called mates from work have all turned their backs on me, they said they would keep in touch. My sister in law and her family just don't understand cptsd and how it works or should I say, how it destroys a person from the inside.

In 2012, I was accused of murdering my mother because I persuaded her to have a heart bypass and then it went wrong. Then there was decision to turn off her life support, after which I started to get texts accusing me of murdering her and threats of violence if I turned up at my own mothers'  funeral, does anyone know how that feels? I don't think so. Then there's that word, murderer, it has never gone from me, it has stuck there in my head, taunting me every day, it has even made me want to kill someone just to feel what it is like to take someone's life, but that is just impossible for me, thoughts are just thoughts, thank god.

There is another thing that happens every day and that is my agoraphobia. I am fighting it every day, I want so much to go out, on my own, just for a walk, but I can't. 

I have managed to go out, yes, but it has been a huge struggle, also I have had to have a reason to go out, like going to the hospital, or to the doctors, even to my wonderful daughters', but I still can't just go out for a walk to the park, or to town, it scares the crap out of me just to try.

No-one around me seems to understand the fact of this, I think they think I'm just using excuses to sit around all day, or I use my cptsd as an excuse for when things go wrong. If I get a bit of a grump on, the missus says "oh you got the hump again," no I haven't got the 'hump' it's just that I ain't feeling too well.

I am so fed up with my life, the awful pain in my legs every day, the headaches, the memory loss, which seems to be getting slowly worse, the prostate problems, the twitching of my left arm when I try to do stuff, the left side was affected by my stroke, my eyes slowly getting worse, being diagnosed as profoundly deaf and finally the 'time loss periods' I suffer with. I often think, almost every day, that I would be better off dead and I feel that, if not dead, I would be better off not being here, I am sure that my family would appreciate the fact of me not being around anymore.

TTFN

    

LiveLeak.com - urgent Why USA is backing down urgent

LiveLeak.com - urgent Why USA is backing down urgent

30th September 2015

Today would have been my mother's birthday. Only one person, as usual, has asked if I am okay and that is my youngest daughter. 

I went and saw Dr Earl two days ago, I broke done, it has been so long that I have made out to him that everything was fine, to a degree anyway. I am so fed up with life at the moment, I'm fed up with the pain in my legs and feet, I am fed up with being profoundly deaf, I am fed up with the fact that I am slowly losing my sight, in general I am totally and utterly fed up with living, I told Dr Earl all of this and more, I also told him what my missus said about the fact that she really don't want me around here any more. After 33 years of being together and she says that to me. 

I have to go, I have even looked up online the best way to commit suicide, crazy? Yep I am, but what the hell, there is one big problem that is stopping me and that is my agoraphobia. It won't last forever so I will just bide my time.

TTFN   

21st September 2015

Another day has arrived. Why am I still feeling the way I am? I've even checked online for different ways to commit suicide. I didn't know that around 90% of people that try to commit suicide via taking prescribed drugs survive, that is the only way I have tried, I did die once but the hospital brought me back, shame really, I really wish they hadn't at times, especially at this time of year, and the upcoming Christmas time, I hate Christmas, everything has gone wrong every year since I was born.

Some people believe in karma and  say what goes around comes around, so what did I do that was so wrong, except being born, maybe that is what I done that was so wrong.

Every day, except Saturday & Sunday all alone, I hate it more than life itself

   TTFN  

11th September 2015

Hi, today is the anniversary of that terrible attack on the twin towers in America, I can remember it as if it was yesterday. I worked for National Express at the time, I was on an night shift from Norwich to Heathrow, which meant I got home early morning. When I got home I occidentally clicked onto the CNN channel, and I watched in horror as events unfolded, what a terrible day that was.

I have been thinking a lot lately about my life, I still can't understand how all the crap that is happening to me now could be hidden away in my head for so long, then suddenly appear. I know I got an explanation about the human brain and it's working, but, I am a thick bastard when it comes to complex stuff, in fact I have really never understood much about my life if truth be known.

It's been 11 years now since I last worked, I feel embarrassed just writing that, I have never been out of work, yet I am still unable to work for many reasons.

I tried a search today to see if my father left a will, no such luck there. I do know that he had life insurance valuing up to £250,000, I also remember going to his grave a few years back to see if I could find if he had a headstone, but he didn't. That woman he married a few years before his death must have taken the lot and run back to Canada. As if I give a shit.

The 8th of September was one of my grand daughter's birthday, I din't get asked to go at all this year, maybe, it's my own fault, I wasn't in the best of places as it was the anniversary of my aunt Beattie's death as well, God rest her soul.

I have been losing bits and pieces of my memory, mainly stuff that happens now and in the past few days, why? Well I was warned I guess, that it would happen because of my stroke and I was warned it will only get worse, which it is.

The worse thing just lately is the loneliness, I sit here all day, every day, alone, no-one caring enough to come round or drop me a text or even a phone call to see how I am. Margaret comes home late in the evening after looking after the grandchildren all day. She goes to work, so early in the morning as well, it's unbelievable how she does it, I see her for maybe 2 hours, or sometimes even 3 hours if I'm lucky, then it's off to bed for her and snoring time.

My CPTSD has been playing up again, big time, the flashbacks during the day are back and one I had made me feel physically sick, to the degree that I nearly vomited. I still wonder how a man who was supposed to be there for his child through thick and thin, offer him advice, care for him and yet do none if it, instead, beat him black and blue every day, again his words "just for the fun of it" I just cannot get those words out of my head, mentally abuse me every day, and sexually abuse me when no-one was around, how could he do that to me? That is something else I just cannot get to grips with, also something else I just cannot handle out of all of that is, how come my schools that I went to didn't even lift a finger to help me, why?

I saw Jonathan broad a few days ago, it was nice seeing him, we had a little chat and I asked him if it was possible if he could become my care worker again, I used to trust him, I could tell him anything at all, but he said he doubted it because the way the cuts have taken place over the last couple of years, things have changed so much. Maybe I should jump off a bridge or take another overdose, I have been having those crazy thoughts about suicide again, I have been fighting them, but as each day passes that fight gets harder and harder. Will I give up the fight? Maybe the way things are going, I will, sooner rather than later.

It'll be my mum's birthday on the 30th September, and every year that has passed since she died I still see those texts from her phone, calling me a 'murderer' and warning me not to go to my own mothers' funeral, all because I agreed to turn her life support off, every year the weeks leading up to her birthday and the weeks leading up to the day she died, 16th December, are the worse time for me, but all I get is grief from Margaret, "Oh he's got the fucking hump again" seems to be her favourite saying. Of course I got the hump, but it's not directed at her, it's just the way I am feeling, but does she understand? No of course not, since the day I was diagnosed with cptsd, depression and anxiety she just doesn't give a shit on how I am feeling. She never asks how I am, she never asks about the things I experience, she never asks sweet fanny adams about me. She used to for a couple of weeks, but she got fed up, because of the amount of stuff I used to talk to her about, but it's okay for her to come home and go on and on and on about frigging Starbucks and how to make this coffee and to to make that coffee and how many customers she served at a particular time of day, I sit there and make out I am interested, but I don't give a fucking shit about all that crap, who would?

I had better stop there before I say some things I might regret, because you never know who is actually reading my blog. here, I will finish with a poem I wrote several years ago, anyone who does read it I hope you like it ..... I called it 'Pain'

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. 
Going through life searching for trust. 
I hide it inside - no feelings I can show. 
A mask of disguise - no one can know. 
I sit and watch all the actions around. 
I can't join in and let it bring me down. 
To melt into darkness is better for me. 
When day light comes - the pain its all there to see. 
I must have my space - a space I cannot share.
I must keep it secret - my space without care.
You are not welcome where I hide my pain.
It is in darkness and it has no name.
Matters of the heart can live for awhile.
At least I can say - for a time - I did smile.
Till death does come that is what you said.
Even in darkness - its still in my head.
I still remain hiding my pain.
I still decide to stay insane.
People can't even see my pain.
Or they can't even know my name.
The darkness covers my life.
Even cuts deep – like a knife.
Can I see a way out?
I want to scream and shout.
But will anyone hear?
And see in my eyes my fear.
Pain and hurt rule my life.
I look down and see the knife.
In my hand – It has a mind of it's own.
It plunges into my chest – my soul has flown.
To my God, I am in his hands. 

My pain has gone – I hope you all understand.

TTFN